Favors Relationship Tip
Spite is a type of relational power people employ when they want to discontinue investment into a romantic relationship. Other relational contexts where spite is used exist, but this is a tip that focuses on romantic relationships. It is a type of power because it is fueled by the anger of someone who is hurt, annoyed, and offended, which are characteristics of spite. “Spite” is simply defined as a deliberate strategy to hurt, annoy, or offend someone.
If we understand that hurting people, hurt people, it is obvious that a partner would adopt emotional, psychological, and financial strategies to hurt anyone who has hurt him or her. However, I believe that spite is much more damaging because it is a decision that shifts the dynamics of the romantic relationship.
For example, if you give your romantic partner an ultimatum to choose you over his ex-partner, and the person is unsuccessful in winning back the ex-partner, you can expect “your partner” to use spite to navigate his relationship with you. In other words, you made him give up that ex-partner, even if it is the ex-partner who decides not to return to the relationship for whatever reason.
Your relationship with him will now be fueled by hatred, contempt, disgust, and offense from that very decision to remain with you because he could not get her back. You are now seen as someone who came between them; therefore, you must be punished for that act.
In his mind, you should have waited, or you should have given him time to make things right with his ex while he is in relationship with you, or you should have understood that they were going through some things. He cannot be expected to understand your feelings while he is trying to reconnect with the ex-partner.
The problem with this logic is that he is still engaging in relationship-making with you. To prevent the onset of spite and resolve any relationship issues, the simplest, commonsense thing to do is just close out one relationship to work on another. But people do not like closed doors. They like the opportunity that a slightly open door provides them when given the chance to walk through it.
To close a door is to suggest that you cannot gain any more benefit from that person and that you must move on. People don’t want to move on. They like open doors. They like the ability to vacillate between two opinions. They like the drama it brings, the chaos it perpetuates, the double-mindedness it provides, and the toxicity it deepens so that the root of the problem never gets addressed.
Romantic relationships cannot survive one member using spite to navigate the relationship. When you perceive a romantic partner who is using spite to hurt you and the relationship, get out of that relationship. The person is not willing to see the situation differently, or go to counseling to understand it better, or simply to work on himself so that he can be a better person to you and to himself.
If the person is using spite, the situation will never get better until he decides that it will get better, and that could take a long time. In essence, he has framed you as a person he can use spite to frustrate, which fuels his own peace with you, ironically. Hurting you makes life livable with you.
Don’t play with spite because it could mean your very life if you remain in that relationship.
Thank you for reading.
Regina Y. Favors, Owner/Operator
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