Toxic Encounters Books

Welcome to the discussion of the Toxic Encounters books. It is a three-part series available on Amazon. You can click the “Purchase on Amazon” tab on this site to access the links. You can also visit the Amazon site and type in the titles to purchase the books. The main titles include the following:

• Toxic Encounters: Why People Pursue Rebound Relationships, Part I
• Toxic Encounters: Adult Attachment and the Problem with Rebounding, Part II
• Toxic Encounters: Why You Should Go No Contact, Post-Rebounding, Part III

Click on one or more links to access the titles for purchase on Amazon.

This page explores select content from the book using brief audio discussions. Select content derives from different chapters and concepts. The goal is to gauge your thinking about the topics put forth and also to encourage you to purchase the three-part series. Lastly, Selected Resources are available at the end of this page.

This page is under development. Last rev. 5/30/2022, 6/18/2022, 6/29/2022, 1/23/2023, 4/17/2023

Video Discussions

Men’s Perception of Rebound Relationships

This audio discussion is about men’s perception of rebound relationships and the value they place and/or project onto such relationships contrasted with the core relationship.

Mate Value

This audio discussion is about mate value and how we perceive ourselves and how we are socially perceived.

Mate Retention Strategies

This audio discussion is about mate retention strategies and how we employ both benefit-provisioning and cost-inflicting efforts to sustain and maintain a relationship of any kind but especially romantic relationships.

Mate Replaceability

This audio discussion is about mate replaceability, suggesting that it is not only a pattern of behavior, but also backed by a belief system. The discussion links mate replaceability to mate preference, and considers mate retention strategies as significant for understanding why people utilize mate replaceability to validate their claims about romantic relationships.

Mate Preferences

This audio lesson is about mate preferences and explores five out of 22 mate preference factors. Consider these factors as you contemplate how you might “design a mate” based on your ideal preferences.

Financial Security

This audio lesson is about financial security and explores topics of financial planning, pursuing financial stability before entering a romantic relationship, and communicating about finances within a pre-marital context.

Your Arguments

This audio lesson is about the arguments you create and sustain regarding romantic relationships and how important it is to challenge these arguments before you find yourself too long in a toxic relationship for which you may struggle to adopt a consistent rebuttal.

Parenting Your Man

This audio lesson is about how we mistakenly parent our men in romantic relationships, whether within marriage or a common law situation. It is the argument that I believe is passed down from exposure to the family dynamic.

Parenting your man is a way of rejecting any form of conflict resolution, considering that you believe you are the only one who is capable of resolving problems inherent in the relationship, including the idea that a grown man needs to receive parenting from another grown individual.

Family Dynamics

This audio lesson is about how the family dynamic shapes our understanding about romantic relationships and relationship-building. The discussion provides a likely circumstance in which one or both romantic partners might choose to utilize a rebound relationship for comfort and how such decisions affect the perception of the marital partners and the overall family dynamic.

Emotional Eviction

This audio lesson is about emotional eviction and focuses on the target of rebounding and rebound relationships. The concept of emotional eviction does not yield a direct keyword search; therefore, researching different keywords helped to create the following discussion. Studies on emotional eviction are forthcoming.

Cheating as Bluffing?

This audio lesson is about cheating and whether someone who cheats can be classified as a bluffer, especially when the option to leave the relationship is always available. It explores sample statements, partners who may struggle with cheating, and the impact of cheating on one’s worldview.

Emotional Homelessness

This audio lesson is about emotional homelessness and how we often feel unsafe and insecurely attached in different relationships, from the immediate family dynamic to friendships and to romantic partnerships. The video discussion suggests that we often struggle to find, secure, and sustain safe spaces for emotionally-based conversations.

Ending a Relationship

This audio lesson is about the importance of ending relationships by reflecting on the initial purpose given to the relationship and following that up with a final conversation. Leaving a relationship at-will, or by utilizing the popular strategy of ghosting, is never a sound relationship termination strategy. Partners should always consider creating a closure opportunity where both parties to the relationship can air grievances and finalize the breakup.

Engaging in Conversation

This audio lesson is about the importance of engaging in conversation before entering a romantic relationship and/or before considering a sexual relationship. Expectations change throughout a relationship, but if you gain a sense of what you both expect, then there is a strong sign that the relationship can last and remain stable. You can learn a lot through conversation.

Spitting as Criminal

This audio lesson focuses on spitting within the romantic relationship and links it to criminal behavior. The discussion explores concepts such as discard, emotional eviction, rejection, disrespect, and dishonor as ways in which spitting is fueled. The discussion offers both implicit and explicit insight into the nature of spitting and consideration of exit planning.

Personality Type & Rebound Relationship

This audio lesson explores the link between personality type and (pursuit of) rebound relationship, which is considered a short-term mating strategy. The discussion summarizes the Big Five personality traits (Neuroticism, Extraversion, Openness to Experience, Agreeableness, and Conscientiousness) and considers the sub-categories of cheating, financial instability, and rejection as sample links to explain how personality type influences an individual’s decision to pursue a rebound relationship.

Feeling Like Property

This audio discussion explores the personal feelings associated with assumptions about one’s role in a romantic relationship. Sometimes partners question their status and their usefulness in their current romantic relationship, leading them to believe that they may only be needed for money, sex, and/or related companionship. No one likes to feel unappreciated.

The discussion further explores the concept of “squatter” related to property law. The assumption of feeling like property is extended to this idea of discerning who is the squatter in the core relationship when there is the threat of an external influence. The discussion explores three questions concerning the concept.

Selected Resources

The following selected resources are connected to multiple YouTube series and research projects conducted on the topic of rebounding and rebound relationships. The following themes represent a select view of the topic. A comprehensive bibliography is available on www.reginayfavors.com.

Self-Perceived Mate Value

Arnocky, S. (2018). Self-perceived mate value, facial attractiveness, and mate preferences: Do desirable men want it all? Evolutionary Psychology, 1-8. Retrieved from Https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1474704918763271

Mate-Switching Hypothesis

Buss, D. M., Goetz, C., Duntley, J. D., Asao, K., & Conroy-Beam, D. (2017). The mate switching hypothesis. Psychology and Individual Differences, 104, 143-149. Retrieved from http://carigoetz.com/docs/PAID_MateSwitchingHypothesis.pdf

Mate Retention Inventory

Buss, D. M., Shackelford, T. K., & McKibbin, W. F. (2008). The mate retention inventory-short form (MRI-SF). Personality and Individual Differences, 44, 322-334. Retrieved from https://labs.la.utexas.edu/buss/files/2013/02/BussShack-MRI-SF-2008.pdf

Perceived Partner Uniqueness

Dillow, M. R., Afifi, W. A., & Matsunaga, M. (2011). Perceived partner uniqueness and communicative and behavioral transgression outcomes in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 29, 28-51. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407511420191

Living with Sexual Boredom

Tunariu, A. D., & Reavey, P. (2003). Men in love: living with sexual boredom. Sexual and Relationship therapy, 18 (1), 63-94.  Retrieved from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1468199031000061272?journalCode=csmt20

The Mate Value Scale

Edlund, J. E., & Sagarin, B. J. (2014). The mate value scale. Personality and Individual Differences, 64, 72-77. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/260801167_The_Mate_Value_Scale

Men’s Mate Value & Mate Retention

Miner, E. J., Starratt, V. G., Shackelford, T. K. (2009). It’s not all about her: Men’s mate value and mate retention. Psychology and Individual Differences, 47, 214-218. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/237423458_It’s_not_all_about_her_Men’s_mate_value_and_mate_retention

Becoming Irreplaceable

Murray, S. L.., Leder, S., MacGregor, J. C. D., Holmes, J. G., Pinkus, R. T., & Harris, B. (2009). Becoming irreplaceable: How comparisons to the partner’s alternatives differentially affect low and high self-esteem people. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 45, 1180-1191. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2783625/

Rebound Relationship Investigation

Brumbaugh, C. C., & Fraley, C. (2015). Too fast, too soon? An empirical investigation into rebound relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32 (1), 99-118. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0265407514525086

Coping with Breakups

Shimek, C. & Bello, R. (2014). Coping with breakups: Rebound relationships and gender socialization. Switzerland: Multidisciplinary Digital Publishing Institute. Retrieved from http://www.mdpi.com/2076-0760/3/1/24

On the Rebound & Focusing on Someone New

Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., & Wilson, A. E. (2009). On the rebound: focusing on someone new helps anxiously attached individuals let go of ex-partners. Society for Personality and Social Psychology, Inc., 35 (10), 1382-1394. Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/a7e5/6e2a9edcd28960620fd070e9f81354ab6581.pdf 

What Predicts Romantic Satisfaction?

Conroy-Beam, D., Goetz, C. D., & Buss, D. M. (2016). What predicts romantic satisfaction and mate retention intensity: Mate preference fulfillment or mate value discrepancies. Evolution and Human behavior, 37, 440-448. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/301855883_What_Predicts_Romantic_Relationship_Satisfaction_and_Mate_Retention_Intensity_Mate_Preference_Fulfillment_or_Mate_Value_Discrepancies  

Is She Really Going Out with Him?

Hoplock, L. B., Stinson, D. A., & Joordens, C. T. (2019). Is she really going out with him? Attractiveness exchange and commitment scripts for romantic relationships. Personality and Individual Differences, 139, 181-190. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S019188691830610X 

Partner Similarity for the Insecure

Hudson, N. W., & Fraley, R. C. (2014). Partner similarity matters for the insecure: Attachment orientations moderate the association between similarity in partners’ personality traits and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Research in Personality, 53, 112-123. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656614001019?via%3Dihub  

Mate Value Predicts Partner-Directed Insults

Miner, E. J. & Shackelford, T. K. (2008). Mate value of romantic partners predicts men’s partner-directed verbal insults. Personality and Individual Differences, 46 (2), 135-139. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886908003449  

Take It or Leave for Something Better

Nelissen, R. M. A., van Someren, D. S. I., & Zeelenberg, M. (2009). Take it or leave it for something better? Responses to fair offers in ultimatum bargaining. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022103109001358  

Mating Market Dynamics

Regnerus, M. (2012). Mating market dynamics, sex-ratio imbalances, and their consequences. Springer Science, Business Media New York, 49, 500-505. Retrieved from https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12115-012-9592-2  

He Said, She Said: Men’s Reports of Mate Value

Starratt, V. G., & Shackelford, T. K. (2012). He said, she said: Men’s reports of mate value and mate retention behaviors in intimate relationships. Personality and Individual Differences, 53, 459-462. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886912001857  

When Men Murder Women

Violence Policy Center. (2020, September). When men murder women. VPC.org. Retrieved from https://vpc.org/studies/wmmw2020.pdf

Intimate Partner Violence

World Health Organization. (2012). Understanding and addressing violence against women: Intimate partner violence. WHO. Retrieved from  https://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/handle/10665/77432/WHO_RHR_12.36_eng.pdf

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