Understanding the concepts of serving and submission within a romantic relationship is difficult when you remove the marriage context. The terms “serve,” “helpmeet,” and “submission” are all related to what is suggested in the Bible about the role of a woman and the relationship between a husband and a wife. Many men, and women, quote the Bible when they want to exact some kind of punishment on the woman for not living up to the dictates of the Bible, scripture, and relationship references.
However, not everyone has a firm understanding of the word “serve” and “submission” by extension. Instead, people have taken this democratic approach to understanding marriage and have, thus, removed the purpose of the concept in the Bible. They are also unaware of certain legal implications. The following discussion represents reasons why no single woman should serve a single man without the benefits associated with marriage.
This article offers some criticisms, but it is not meant to be judgmental and/or accusatory. We all have navigated this life with a misguided understanding about marriage and living together as married, me included. The purpose of this article is to call attention to some hypocrisy in the expectation that “single women” are required to serve single men in a romantic context without the covering of marriage. If marriage or a desire to marry does not apply to you, then this article is not written directly for you.
However, if you desire to get married and you have compromised thinking that marriage is down the road, and the partner you are with still expects marital benefits connected to serving and submission, then this article is directly for you. In the same way that the single man who wants submission has options, as a single woman, you, too, have options.
It is time that you recognize your own options because you are in fact single, even if you are living with someone without the legal record of marriage. If you desire to marry and the person you are with does not want to marry, then you have the option and preference to leave that situation because the connection has been lost and you have essentially lost ground in directing the live-in situation to marriage.
Keep these ideas in mind as you read through this article.
Lack of Reciprocity
Serve is a reciprocal action. It is not one-sided. It is not for one person to decide that the other person is going to do all the serving. In a very general context, we serve each other every day through community building, helping each other when one person is financially and economically depressed, and in encouraging each other through other difficult times.
However, when you find yourself doing all the work in any type of relationship, this means that one person is serving and the other person is not. This is a simplistic view of the term, but it still has some resonance for this discussion. In essence, to serve is to care for one another, protect one another, pray for one another, and counsel one another.
These should be the goals of any relationship, in addition to romantic. However, when you find that there is a lack of reciprocity in your current romantic relationship, and the male party to the relationship expects absolute compliance, then this is something you must consider going forward, i.e., whether you will continue to accept his argument as your life argument.
I think the recent spell from men requiring women to serve and suggesting that because they are not willing to submit they will continue to be alone and die alone creates and perpetuates an illogical argument. These views have been ongoing since the marriage contract began, but it is recently where I see many men, especially YouTubers, almost shout at women to submit and serve if they want to have a man or even a husband. But again “serve” and “submit” are two different concepts. To serve means to perform duties or services. To submit means to accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority of another person.
The single men of a romantic relationship are not superior to the single women of the same relationship. There is no established hierarchy with a live-in situation. These are just two single people living together romantically. In fact, within this context, they are both equal.
The single men of a romantic relationship are not superior to the single women of the same relationship.Regina Y. Favors
On another note, the men who desire service and submission are not equally willing to marry the women from whom they want service and submission. It makes no sense to require something for which you are not willing to give.
Lack of Respect
The recent videos and article of Cam Newton outlining his rules for women and making distinctions between a woman, a bad b***h, and a woman’s ability or inability to cater to a man’s needs have sparked much controversy between traditional men, modern men, traditional women, and modern women. But I do not think this is a modern women situation or a feminist situation that deserves that application. I think this is a situation about men who desire women to perform traditional roles but refuse to honor women in marriage.
Cam Newton is not married, but he comes from a stable, three-parent home, so he knows what marriage looks like. He knows what a woman looks like, as he suggests in the article. At the same time, noticeably absent from the conversation is the fact that he has also fathered multiple kids by more than one woman, and those women fall under the categories for which he is now criticizing. He has fostered broken homes.
This is not to criticize his choices for fathering children, directly. I am nobody’s judge. Men and women can have however many children they want. Hopefully, they have the resources to take care of them. Of course, that is not my business. However, many men like him who judge women with multiple kids and no marriage, labeling them as baby mothers and ranking them lower in the dating market and potential for marriage, yet, still desire submission, service, servitude, and a helpmeet . . . without marriage.
I think the fact that sex as a product is so much more accessible than it was in past times, and cheaply, makes it difficult for anyone to consider marriage as significant, especially when people believe that in marrying someone, the existence of marriage will resolve all the issues a person has in their life, especially with sex. However, many men who thought marriage served as that function had a rude awakening because the sexual desires they had still surfaced, leading them out of the home to pursue intimacy with another person and thus compensating that person with time, money, and more sex.
Cheating and infidelity gives marriage a bad name. Marriage has lost its luster, its reputation as a stable tool people can choose as useful for navigating life. Many people now marry out of convenience, or they marry for business interests, or they marry because they are bored, or they marry because they need a place to stay.
Lack of Responsibility
The last point in the previous section is one I would like to focus on specifically for this article. Men and women may marry their romantic partners out of this need to have a place of stay because maybe they lost their place. Maybe they never had a place. Maybe they never had a good job or a job long enough to keep a place. Regardless, they need a physical place to stay.
People will say and do anything to keep a place, even if they have to lie about their attraction to you, their desires for you, their willingness to do better, and their promise to change when prompted. People are really great at making promises, but they are horrible at believing their own promises. It would be better not to make the promise. This means that people generally do not know themselves. If they truly knew themselves, they would be careful not to promise.
Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay.Ecclesiastes 5:5
It is better not to promise than to promise and not be able to deliver.
When a man says that he wants a woman to serve and submit to him, there is this implicit promise that he will do something in return. He will reciprocate. He may even reward in different ways, including sexually. But most women, especially wives, do not have to worry if men will reward when certain men are natural providers. They already provide the women with comfort and physical protection. They provide the women with certainty, and certainty is the most important aspect of relationship-making. It is the trust exercise that people have come to experience as eye-opening for any and all kinds of relationships.
That trust exercise is predicated on the answer to this question: If I fall, will you catch me?
That is the question. Running off at the mouth about the need for women to submit does not answer this question. It is like men need you to be perfect in order for them to do what they need to guide their lives. If Cam Newton, and men like him, have not found peace in the many women they have had relations and relationships with, then how can the next woman trust that they will do right by her? There is no guarantee.
There is no guarantee that if men get what they want from women in terms of service, servitude, and submission they will say, “Now I can be the husband you want me to be.” If they were not willing to marry the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, or 6th woman, by honoring her in marriage, then why should any woman believe these men if they are expected to become the 7th? It’s ludicrous to think that if one person does one thing, the expectation that the other person will do the same is possible when the one person’s pattern has been different with multiple people and for a very long time. It is like waiting for perfect conditions.
If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done, literally, “He that observeth the wind shall not sow, and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap.”Ecclesiastes 11:4
If you wait for perfect conditions, i.e., wait for the woman to serve and submit, then you will never get the marriage started. Maybe that is the point. That some men do not want to get the marriage started, but they want the benefits that come with marriage. Then that is false advertising. It is false advertising because the person is relying on the implicit promise that you will marry if he or she submits. False advertising is simply publishing, transmitting, and/or publicly circulating an advertisement that contains false and misleading information. The false advertisement is deceptive on its face.
Sitting in front of a camera for a podcast or YouTube and telling single women that if they do not submit to men they will not get married knowing that there is no guarantee of marriage is false advertising. One of the legal aspects of false advertising is that the deception in the material likely contributes to the consumer purchasing the product. The product may be in this sense the man, i.e., if the woman serves and submits, she will get the man. However, the man is not suggesting that he will get her in marriage and/or facilitate that ideal. He is only suggesting that if she serves and/or submits, she will get access to him and maybe sustain that access long-term.
But where does that leave the single woman who wants to marry?
In other words, this article is for the woman who wants to marry, who has set that goal, and who has made marrying a priority over shacking, even if the woman decided to shack with her romantic partner in hopes of marrying that person one day. I don’t think many women wake up saying, “I want to be a girlfriend to my boyfriend forever.” No one speaks like that, but in the times we live in, living with your boyfriend has become the rule and no longer really the exception. However, if you desire to become the exception, then you will need to make marriage “for you” the rule.
No Commitment or Intent
Making marriage today the rule and not the exception is a difficult enterprise but not completely impossible. If you desire to marry, then you should understand that serve, serving, and service . . . and submission are not required while you are single. You are under no justification, validation, reasoning, and expectation to serve a partner who has not committed or who has not declared you as a partner to whom he or she will commit, reciprocally. Commitment means to promise to do or give something. Commitment requires loyalty. The men who spout a desire from the woman to submit are men who are typically not married! That is a very important thing to consider.
By the time you have had one or more kids from him, without marriage even though you desired marriage, you have left the realm of meeting that initial expectation. Even if you eventually marry the person, it might be because he needs you in his old age or you choose to marry him because you believe you have no other options.
The thing about being single is you have more options than a married person to meet, engage, and marry the right person appropriate, compatible, and connected for you. If you are in a relationship that is not meeting your initial expectations of marriage or eventually marrying, then there is a lost connection or there was never a connection in the first place between you two.
There is no guarantee that romantic partners will be completely compatible. We all have different interests and concerns. But connection, I keep reading about and hearing, is the most important consideration for any romantic relationship. Whether you decide to marry or not marry, the connection matters.
You can be in a romantic relationship for the better part of your life and never have the connection you think you have. You can believe that you are going forward with your romantic partner and still be living in the past. Whatever goal you set initially for the relationship is no longer viable once that connection is lost.
My stepfather once told me that a man will still marry you, even if the man does not love you. As I noted in previous sections of this article, sometimes a certain man just needs a place to stay. That is usually a form of rebounding, i.e., using you to rehab and repair their heart and then they decide to marry someone else. They might live with you for 10 years or more but break up with you and marry someone else. That is not something you want for yourself. If you have kids with the individual, that is not something you want for them.
As I conclude, I think about the promise of wasted time. That is always a promise. When you procrastinate, you essentially procrastinate the learning process. You procrastinate any opportunity to learn about yourself, what you need to do as a single individual, and how you should navigate this world with proper goal planning and life management.
You cannot live on a fantasy. You cannot live with this idea that one day he will propose if I do this, or one day he will marry me if I do this, or one day he will truly see me or care about me if I do this, or one day he will finally accept me if I do this. Those one days can turn into years, and the person never marries you. If that happens, then that was deliberate on his part to keep his options open, and he did.
Therefore, no single woman should serve a single man romantically. It is not biblical. It is not democratic. It is not feasible long-term. It is not logical. It is not a guarantor of long-term commitment, loyalty, sustained love, and fidelity. You cannot marry someone who has not married you emotionally and who is not willing to honor you in this way. Stop giving away marital benefits and expecting a return on your investment when you are not married.
Pre-Singles Counseling Curriculum
I want to introduce you to my Pre-Singles Counseling Curriculum available on the site. The mission of the Pre-Singles Counseling Coaching Curriculum is to prepare women to enter singleness and make sound life decisions through proper planning, researching, and writing. The curriculum encourages discovery of gifts and talents before marital consideration. Development of the curriculum and the accompanying text is ongoing.
Pre-Singles Counseling Defined
Pre-Singles counseling is defined as the research processes and planning for entering a state of singlehood. The main target audience is 18 to 45 years of age; however, middle school to high school students are considered. Processes include:
- Single to Single: transitional time prior to entering the dating market at any age
- Single to Dating Single: transitional time prior to considering marriage
- Single Dating to Marriage: transitional time prior to and after pre-marital counseling
Pre-Singles counseling is the immediate strategy of adopting life plans to manage the self as a responsible individual adult up to and including a major life change.
This is why you should embrace your period of singleness. Embracing your singleness provides the time necessary for self-discovery; to create a life plan strategy; and to self-assess knowledge gaps, address personal issues and problems, and establish immediate goal objectives. Essentially, embracing your singleness allows you to set immediate, two-year, five-year, and ten-year life planning objectives.
General Planning: Establishing Objectives
General Planning: Academic Planning
General Planning: Career Planning
Pre-Marriage Planning: Pre-Marital Planning
Pre-Marriage Planning: Dating With Purpose Plan
Long-Term Planning: Two-Year Planning
Long-Term Planning: Five-Year Planning
Long-Term Planning: Your Assignment, Gift & Talent Plan
Other videos focus on tax planning, estate planning, and trusts planning. The list is not exhaustive and subject to change.
Thank you for reading.
Regina Y. Favors, Owner/Operator
The vision of the site is to be the preferred online curriculum you need for life recovery.
Your feedback is appreciated.
Copyright (C) 2022 Regina Y. Favors. All Rights Reserved.