In multiple blog posts, I wrote about the importance of being willing to leave rejection. If you are in an environment that is toxic and it manifests as one individual repeatedly rejecting you for whatever reason that person comes up with in the moment, the time and courage to leave is now. As I also noted in those articles, rejection is part of life. There is no guarantee that people will accept you, but there is guarantee that you will be rejected.
Rejection is almost like breathing. You should expect it. Just as you should expect people to have malice in their hearts towards you, then you should also expect people to use rejection to trigger and provoke you. It is inevitable, not from everybody but at least from one person. Those discussions were about shaking the dust off your feet and moving forward into better environments and better ways of thinking. Click the “Blog” tab for sample articles.
Even though rejection is part of life, it is still psychologically damaging and may cause emotional deterioration if you do not address rejection in your life; address the people who reject you, i.e., their attitudes and belief systems; and address the impact rejection has on you academically, professionally, and personally.
Addressing rejection is especially important when you do not understand the purpose of it and how it might apply seasonally to something you are going through or entering. It is the personal issues with rejection that I want to address in this blog post, specifically focusing on the romantic side of individual decision-making and the direction God may be taking you if you desire marriage.
The goal here is to connect this discussion to preparation for marriage. In other posts, I tend to focus on considering pre-singles counseling and living your best single life. However, as I consider the possibility of marriage at a later age but with an informed understanding, now is the time to think about the ways in which God prepares you, particularly a woman, for marriage. Men can still learn from this article too.
Therefore, this discussion is largely focused on the idea that God will introduce two people who may be divinely ordered and/or approved to marry, but it could be at the wrong time. It is the typical “right person, wrong time” dynamic where introduction is only necessary for a time and not for the beginning of the romance aspect of the relationship.
You may feel rejection, but the goal is to begin devoting your time to understanding what God wants for you and how you need to prepare for the future marriage. Time with God is important to get guidance and to train for a new understanding apart from sustaining single life.
This article focuses on the king’s heart, as it is represented and explored in the Bible. I only want to focus on one main scripture to make my case, which is that God prepares the born-again Christian for marriage based on a different, yet non-democratic dynamic specific to marital partners understanding hierarchy and divine order. Although I reference more than one scripture, the main scripture for this article is as follows:
“The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.”Proverbs 21:1
Parts of this scripture are explored throughout this article, whether directly or indirectly.
Before going further into this discussion, I need to make a clear distinction between “Christian” and “born-again Christian” and how one of the two applies to the Christian marriage. You, as an individual, can identify as a Christian, meaning that you grew up in a Christian home or in a non-denominational environment and you read the Bible exclusively, but you can also be not born-again, or in common parlance, not “saved.”
Growing up in a Christian home and accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior are two different understandings. The discussions within this blog article apply specifically and exclusively to the born-again Christian who is expected to follow the dictates of the Bible and the Christian faith, even when following God in single and married life may be a struggle.
If you identify as Christian but have not accepted salvation, then this discussion may not apply to you specifically. This does not mean that you cannot glean from this discussion what you will, but you are not subject to the dictates of the Bible if you are not born-again, if you are not saved.
That is a different topic and beyond the scope of this article. Suffice it to say, the discussion below is appropriate for one audience: the single or married individual who is a born-again Christian and who is expected to follow God, the Bible, and the theocratic tenets of salvation.
The last information I want to provide before going into the discussion is the admission that I am not married, and I have never been married. Therefore, it is much easier for me to make what you may deem as assumptions. However, I have lived together with someone, and in doing so, I realize today that I did not make marriage a priority. That is why that relationship did not move forward into marriage. Living together, solely, was the priority.
My attitude has since changed, and living together does not require submission to authority or submission period, even though as single people we often perform marital duties while not married. I have since deleted that belief system out of my knowledge depository, and I would rather pursue today what the Bible says about marriage.
Here begins the discussion.
Although we live in a democracy with the expectation of following its laws, dictates, and orders, the marriage context is situated truly under a theocracy, which is defined as a system of government where the priests rule in the name of God or a god. Under the Christian faith, we use the capital “G.” This is standard. Jesus is considered the ceremonial and literal Priest in this scenario.
I use the term “democratic” because we think that marriage is equal in our commonsense about how we should live and navigate the context, whether you believe it is an outdated institution or not. In some cases, we can run the home in a democratic fashion as we hold discussions and vote to make decisions, but the marital context is more hierarchical, authoritative, and succession-based.
God is over man, the husband, and the husband is over the wife. This does not mean that the wife does not have voice in a marriage. This does not mean that the wife cannot speak to God on her own. As Christians, we are responsible for our own faith-based, non-religious relationship with God. We cannot rely on the coattails of our parent’s or husband’s faith to satisfy the relationship we need to have individually with God. It is a system of hierarchy and order, not a system of authoritarianism where one person rules over the other without consequence.
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”Ephesians 5:25
Husbands in a marriage should not expect to conduct themselves without agreement with that scripture. It is not optional. However, wives should also understand that agreement means eventually wives will need to come under a greater authority when final decisions are required. No, I would not want my future husband to be blind and lead us into a ditch because of some of the decisions he might make for the marriage, but I also understand that there must be order in the home.
Order encourages peace.
Just as we submit to a higher order of thinking, i.e., democracy for social and professional navigation and the Bible for spiritual direction, we all must understand the importance of hierarchy, position, order, and ultimate decision-making within a marriage. God is always supreme. At the same time, the husband of a Christian marriage is divinely expected to be the higher authority in the home after God.
“Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”Matthew 18:18
This scripture is important because what you bind on earth in terms of marriage is what is bound in heaven concerning the very same marriage. If you put your mouth on your marriage negatively, you are essentially sowing negative seeds in your marriage. If you commit infidelity within the marriage, you are binding infidelity in heaven. There will always be a consequence.
It is the decisions you make that have a greater impact on your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with God. They run both concurrent and consecutive. It is concurrent in the sense that you both suffer at the same time because of one party’s decision-making. It is consecutive, or maybe successive is a better word, because your decisions have an impact on your children and future generations.
In addition, whatever God says about marriage in the Bible is what God says about marriage in the Bible. It is a divine institution and divinely guided by the dictates of God’s Word. This is why it is important to get a good understanding about the role of both the husband and the wife within a marriage.
The democratic, political institution of marriage is distinct from the theocratic, divine structure of marriage. There are laws on the books that permit marriage of all kinds, except with minors, but God recognizes the divine institution as prescribed in the Bible. Please keep this in mind as you read the rest of this article.
But I digress.
My purpose for writing is to address how we should interpret the “king” in the scripture and connect it to the concept of rejection. “The king’s heart is in God’s hands.” Let’s stay with that part of the scripture. For a potential divinely ordained marriage, God can withhold for a time the bringing together of two people who are to marry and carry out God’s calling in the earth.
Each person usually has some kind of relationship with God, and each person has been managing their respective life tasks individually and separately from ever meeting each other. But when God holds up a divine union, it is not for each person to cry and yell and get upset and stay in a perpetual depressive state. It is for each person to begin to work out their own respective issues, apart, so that when God does bring two people together, they will be able to fulfill God’s purpose with a mindset of order!
I’m rambling a bit, but I do have a point.
For example, you can meet the right person but at the wrong time. Make no mistake that if a person you met and then broke up from never returned, then “that person” was not the right person! Any person God has for you will be for you, and that love will return.
However, if God introduces two people together initially to serve a temporary purpose but then all a sudden there is a disconnect, and provided that these two people are called to serve a higher purpose, then it is God who separates the two people. In other words, it is the right time to meet, but it is the wrong time to create and further a romantic situation, especially if the potential for sex might happen.
Then this would throw off the order. The two parties to the relationship would be more concerned about the sex than about fulfilling God’s purpose. Then this might lead the two people to believe that they are more compatible sexually than relationally and/or divinely.
This means that God can turn the heart of that person away from you for a time until you continue to work on you and on areas of emotional and financial disconnect and struggle. I am reminded of Bishop T. D. Jakes’s DVD series titled “Life’s Little Setbacks” in which he discusses the purpose of setback. I will summarize the quote.
The purpose of setback is not for you to cry and say to God, ‘Woe is me.’ The purpose of setback is to determine areas of weakness and fix them before going on to greater battles.Bishop T. D. Jakes, The Potter’s House
I have based the writing of all my books, the developing of YouTube lectures, and all related materials on the concept of setback, and it has served me well to understand that there are areas of weakness that I must continue to fix before I go on to greater battles. Marriage, indeed, has its challenges, battles, setbacks, and successes. Preparing for a marriage mindset is important.
One such area of weakness is this struggle with rejection, which we all have experienced. But struggling with rejection in a marriage will undoubtedly create greater anxiety because you expect your partner to accept you. However, what happens when you are triggered by an action or a word he or she says to you without the person knowing the implication? You will find yourself moving into emotional expressions, which might turn the other person away.
There is a video I have been watching lately, taking notes, about the need to get healing from the spirit of rejection. It is a new undertaking. In the video, Tiffany Buckner of Anointed Fire YouTube channel suggests that “when you do not get healed from rejection, you go after rejected people.” What I believe that to mean is that rejected people are like magnets for each other. They attract each other.
But rejected people also pull away from their significant other, friend, or family member because they are, in fact, rejected people. They live in that understanding and state of mind, and where the mind goes, the body follows. Ms. Buckner suggests that only God can heal you of your rejection. Books help. Therapy is important. However, to overcome rejection, you will need to begin addressing the agreement, how you see and believe that rejection works for you.
If you are constantly and consistently triggered by rejection, and you respond, you are in a pattern that you believe is working for you. When you are rejected, you cry and moan and say, “Woe is me,” but you do not address why you continue to cry and moan and say, “Woe is me.” If you take that type of thinking into a marriage, the marriage will not survive. It is like taking old belief systems into a new context.
“Neither do men put new wine into old bottles: else the bottles break, and the wine runneth out, and the bottles perish: but they put new wine into new bottles, and both are preserved.”Matthew 9:17
If you take old belief systems into a marriage, i.e., the way you handle problems primarily as a single adult versus cooperatively with a marital partner, you will find that the old system of thinking will negatively impact the way in which you should govern your home under a new system of thinking.
It is a different order.
What you do as a single person has no true relevance for what you will need to do as one marital partner of a marriage, and unions and live-in situations, i.e., shacking, do not count. As I noted in a previous article, single women should not serve single men because they are both equal under the system of shacking, and there is no existing, mandatory hierarchy that a single woman should have to respect. Neither should a single man serve a single woman. They are not married, and they have no obligation to the other to serve the other based on the dictates of the Bible.
If you do not agree with the Bible, then the court system places no consistent expectation of two single people living together to be responsible for the other. There are exceptions to the rule, but those exceptions largely fall under “renter status” and/or “common law marriage.” If two people are living together with rental laws that govern the distribution of community property for common law marriage, after a certain time period, then those state-based exceptions apply. See your state provisions for more information.
The second interpretation is based on the other parts of the scripture: “Like the rivers of water, he turned withsoever he will.” This part of the scripture suggests both God’s divine guidance and prerogative. It is God who determines when He will turn the heart of a king, and king merely represents the person with authority, maybe ultimate but not necessarily supreme. Regardless, when God turns the heart of a king, there is a time limit. It is like a door that only stays open for a short time before it closes.
“I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name.”Revelation 3:8
God can open doors that no one can close, and God can close doors that no one can open. In other words, you should never think that you have all the time in the world to do something or marry someone or fulfill God’s plan for your life.
The time is always now, even if the time requires preparation and development. People think that they have all the time in the world to love someone or return to someone or believe again for that relationship, but once that door closes, it is closed. Thus, this part of the scripture also suggests timeline, time limits, and boundaries. God draws the boundaries.
It is significant to understand the role of rejection, God’s timing, and the threat of exes. There is another article I wrote about the problem of exes coming back. It is the ex who thinks and believes he or she has all the time in the world to come back and make things right with your future partner.
This is problematic because their reappearance shifts the growth and development of the current relationship, even if two people have not met, yet. A person seeking to come back into your life is hard to pass up because you always believe that you can solve that situation and resolve any issues in that relationship to move forward into possibly a new beginning.
The problem with this logic is that some relationships are simply over. Even if you have the prerogative to return and try and fix things, you cannot fix a dead relationship or a relationship that has run its course. Length of time in the previous relationship, length of prior knowledge about the person in the relationship, and length of hope and desire to make the relationship work does not matter when the relationship has expired emotionally. The belief system is old, and you cannot take an old belief system into a new way of thinking. Both cannot coexist and function well together.
Therefore, I believe God makes allowances for the person still struggling with an ex-partner. “Like the rivers of water, he turneth . . .” can mean more time is needed to get you and your potential partner to address your issues. I, myself, do not believe in maintaining contact with an ex-partner, but my future partner might struggle in this area.
Therefore, God allows for this time by using rejection as a temporary tool. In this case, rejection is conditionally based on your willingness to address your issues and the time God is giving you to do your individual work!
What the second interpretation suggests is making the most of your time. When God introduces you to your potential partner but then disconnects you two so you both can address your struggles this strategy is for you both to do just that. It is what most people say about making the most of time to learn, grow, and prepare. It is that scripture about counting the costs before you build, in this case, before you initiate, build, and sustain a marriage.
“For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?”Luke 14:28
To finish a marriage is reflected in one person dying out of the marriage, i.e., to death do you part. Divorce is not finishing a marriage. A long-term separation is not finishing a marriage. Declaring yourself single while separated and/or legally married is not finishing a marriage. Finishing a marriage is based on what is reflected in the scripture.
“For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband.”Romans 7:2
I believe if either party dies out of the marriage, then this gives that one party divine permission to remarry. The clock essentially restarts.
The most important aspect of this discussion is preparation. I took the long way around to get to this point, but when God uses the tool of rejection, i.e., separating for a season both parties God has divinely brought together for marriage and for a specific calling and assignment, it is important to take that opportunity to align yourself with what God thinks about marriage, about why he has brought you two together, and about what purpose you both will fulfill.
I earnestly think two people know when there is a connection and when God is bringing them together. God does not always let you in on everything about the situation, but there is some recognition of difference that suggests two people are coming together in marriage for a higher purpose. Therefore, if you are struggling to work out the emotional aspects of your experience after God has introduced you to who you might possibly marry, this is not the time to cry and moan and pout.
This is the time to think long and hard about the costs associated with marriage, the responsibilities you will need to adopt as a marital partner, and the understanding of marriage as a divine institution, structured hierarchically to ensure God’s will is effected in the earth. You cannot have marriage without order. You cannot have order without understanding how God regulates the king’s heart.
I’m not sure if I will write another article on this topic or something related to it, but it is a topic that is of interest to me. I hope to continue to learn as I, myself, prepare to enter the divine institution of marriage.
Thank you for reading.
Regina Y. Favors, Owner/Operator
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