Favors Love Rants: Single Women Should Not Serve Single Men

Source: Daniellim.com

Understanding the concepts of serving and submission within a romantic relationship is difficult when you remove the marriage context. The terms “serve,” “helpmeet,” and “submission” are all related to what is suggested in the Bible about the role of a woman and the relationship between a husband and a wife. Many men, and women, quote the Bible when they want to exact some kind of punishment on the woman for not living up to the dictates of the Bible, scripture, and relationship references.

However, not everyone has a firm understanding of the word “serve” and “submission” by extension. Instead, people have taken this democratic approach to understanding marriage and have, thus, removed the purpose of the concept in the Bible. They are also unaware of certain legal implications. The following discussion represents reasons why no single woman should serve a single man without the benefits associated with marriage.

This article offers some criticisms, but it is not meant to be judgmental and/or accusatory. We all have navigated this life with a misguided understanding about marriage and living together as married, me included. The purpose of this article is to call attention to some hypocrisy in the expectation that “single women” are required to serve single men in a romantic context without the covering of marriage. If marriage or a desire to marry does not apply to you, then this article is not written directly for you.

However, if you desire to get married and you have compromised thinking that marriage is down the road, and the partner you are with still expects marital benefits connected to serving and submission, then this article is directly for you. In the same way that the single man who wants submission has options, as a single woman, you, too, have options.

It is time that you recognize your own options because you are in fact single, even if you are living with someone without the legal record of marriage. If you desire to marry and the person you are with does not want to marry, then you have the option and preference to leave that situation because the connection has been lost and you have essentially lost ground in directing the live-in situation to marriage.

Keep these ideas in mind as you read through this article.

Lack of Reciprocity

Serve is a reciprocal action. It is not one-sided. It is not for one person to decide that the other person is going to do all the serving. In a very general context, we serve each other every day through community building, helping each other when one person is financially and economically depressed, and in encouraging each other through other difficult times.

However, when you find yourself doing all the work in any type of relationship, this means that one person is serving and the other person is not. This is a simplistic view of the term, but it still has some resonance for this discussion. In essence, to serve is to care for one another, protect one another, pray for one another, and counsel one another.

These should be the goals of any relationship, in addition to romantic. However, when you find that there is a lack of reciprocity in your current romantic relationship, and the male party to the relationship expects absolute compliance, then this is something you must consider going forward, i.e., whether you will continue to accept his argument as your life argument.

Equality Issues?

I think the recent spell from men requiring women to serve and suggesting that because they are not willing to submit they will continue to be alone and die alone creates and perpetuates an illogical argument. These views have been ongoing since the marriage contract began, but it is recently where I see many men, especially YouTubers, almost shout at women to submit and serve if they want to have a man or even a husband. But again “serve” and “submit” are two different concepts. To serve means to perform duties or services. To submit means to accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority of another person.

The single men of a romantic relationship are not superior to the single women of the same relationship. There is no established hierarchy with a live-in situation. These are just two single people living together romantically. In fact, within this context, they are both equal.

The single men of a romantic relationship are not superior to the single women of the same relationship.

Regina Y. Favors

On another note, the men who desire service and submission are not equally willing to marry the women from whom they want service and submission. It makes no sense to require something for which you are not willing to give.

Lack of Respect

The recent videos and article of Cam Newton outlining his rules for women and making distinctions between a woman, a bad b***h, and a woman’s ability or inability to cater to a man’s needs have sparked much controversy between traditional men, modern men, traditional women, and modern women. But I do not think this is a modern women situation or a feminist situation that deserves that application. I think this is a situation about men who desire women to perform traditional roles but refuse to honor women in marriage.

Cam Newton is not married, but he comes from a stable, three-parent home, so he knows what marriage looks like. He knows what a woman looks like, as he suggests in the article. At the same time, noticeably absent from the conversation is the fact that he has also fathered multiple kids by more than one woman, and those women fall under the categories for which he is now criticizing. He has fostered broken homes.

This is not to criticize his choices for fathering children, directly. I am nobody’s judge. Men and women can have however many children they want. Hopefully, they have the resources to take care of them. Of course, that is not my business. However, many men like him who judge women with multiple kids and no marriage, labeling them as baby mothers and ranking them lower in the dating market and potential for marriage, yet, still desire submission, service, servitude, and a helpmeet . . . without marriage.

I think the fact that sex as a product is so much more accessible than it was in past times, and cheaply, makes it difficult for anyone to consider marriage as significant, especially when people believe that in marrying someone, the existence of marriage will resolve all the issues a person has in their life, especially with sex. However, many men who thought marriage served as that function had a rude awakening because the sexual desires they had still surfaced, leading them out of the home to pursue intimacy with another person and thus compensating that person with time, money, and more sex.

Cheating and infidelity gives marriage a bad name. Marriage has lost its luster, its reputation as a stable tool people can choose as useful for navigating life. Many people now marry out of convenience, or they marry for business interests, or they marry because they are bored, or they marry because they need a place to stay.

Lack of Responsibility

The last point in the previous section is one I would like to focus on specifically for this article. Men and women may marry their romantic partners out of this need to have a place of stay because maybe they lost their place. Maybe they never had a place. Maybe they never had a good job or a job long enough to keep a place. Regardless, they need a physical place to stay.

People will say and do anything to keep a place, even if they have to lie about their attraction to you, their desires for you, their willingness to do better, and their promise to change when prompted. People are really great at making promises, but they are horrible at believing their own promises. It would be better not to make the promise. This means that people generally do not know themselves. If they truly knew themselves, they would be careful not to promise.

Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay.

Ecclesiastes 5:5

It is better not to promise than to promise and not be able to deliver.

When a man says that he wants a woman to serve and submit to him, there is this implicit promise that he will do something in return. He will reciprocate. He may even reward in different ways, including sexually. But most women, especially wives, do not have to worry if men will reward when certain men are natural providers. They already provide the women with comfort and physical protection. They provide the women with certainty, and certainty is the most important aspect of relationship-making. It is the trust exercise that people have come to experience as eye-opening for any and all kinds of relationships.

False Advertising

That trust exercise is predicated on the answer to this question: If I fall, will you catch me?

That is the question. Running off at the mouth about the need for women to submit does not answer this question. It is like men need you to be perfect in order for them to do what they need to guide their lives. If Cam Newton, and men like him, have not found peace in the many women they have had relations and relationships with, then how can the next woman trust that they will do right by her? There is no guarantee.

There is no guarantee that if men get what they want from women in terms of service, servitude, and submission they will say, “Now I can be the husband you want me to be.” If they were not willing to marry the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, or 6th woman, by honoring her in marriage, then why should any woman believe these men if they are expected to become the 7th? It’s ludicrous to think that if one person does one thing, the expectation that the other person will do the same is possible when the one person’s pattern has been different with multiple people and for a very long time. It is like waiting for perfect conditions.

If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done, literally, “He that observeth the wind shall not sow, and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap.”

Ecclesiastes 11:4

If you wait for perfect conditions, i.e., wait for the woman to serve and submit, then you will never get the marriage started. Maybe that is the point. That some men do not want to get the marriage started, but they want the benefits that come with marriage. Then that is false advertising. It is false advertising because the person is relying on the implicit promise that you will marry if he or she submits. False advertising is simply publishing, transmitting, and/or publicly circulating an advertisement that contains false and misleading information. The false advertisement is deceptive on its face.

Sitting in front of a camera for a podcast or YouTube and telling single women that if they do not submit to men they will not get married knowing that there is no guarantee of marriage is false advertising. One of the legal aspects of false advertising is that the deception in the material likely contributes to the consumer purchasing the product. The product may be in this sense the man, i.e., if the woman serves and submits, she will get the man. However, the man is not suggesting that he will get her in marriage and/or facilitate that ideal. He is only suggesting that if she serves and/or submits, she will get access to him and maybe sustain that access long-term.

But where does that leave the single woman who wants to marry?

In other words, this article is for the woman who wants to marry, who has set that goal, and who has made marrying a priority over shacking, even if the woman decided to shack with her romantic partner in hopes of marrying that person one day. I don’t think many women wake up saying, “I want to be a girlfriend to my boyfriend forever.” No one speaks like that, but in the times we live in, living with your boyfriend has become the rule and no longer really the exception. However, if you desire to become the exception, then you will need to make marriage “for you” the rule.

No Commitment or Intent

Making marriage today the rule and not the exception is a difficult enterprise but not completely impossible. If you desire to marry, then you should understand that serve, serving, and service . . . and submission are not required while you are single. You are under no justification, validation, reasoning, and expectation to serve a partner who has not committed or who has not declared you as a partner to whom he or she will commit, reciprocally. Commitment means to promise to do or give something. Commitment requires loyalty. The men who spout a desire from the woman to submit are men who are typically not married! That is a very important thing to consider.

By the time you have had one or more kids from him, without marriage even though you desired marriage, you have left the realm of meeting that initial expectation. Even if you eventually marry the person, it might be because he needs you in his old age or you choose to marry him because you believe you have no other options.

The thing about being single is you have more options than a married person to meet, engage, and marry the right person appropriate, compatible, and connected for you. If you are in a relationship that is not meeting your initial expectations of marriage or eventually marrying, then there is a lost connection or there was never a connection in the first place between you two.

There is no guarantee that romantic partners will be completely compatible. We all have different interests and concerns. But connection, I keep reading about and hearing, is the most important consideration for any romantic relationship. Whether you decide to marry or not marry, the connection matters.

You can be in a romantic relationship for the better part of your life and never have the connection you think you have. You can believe that you are going forward with your romantic partner and still be living in the past. Whatever goal you set initially for the relationship is no longer viable once that connection is lost.

My stepfather once told me that a man will still marry you, even if the man does not love you. As I noted in previous sections of this article, sometimes a certain man just needs a place to stay. That is usually a form of rebounding, i.e., using you to rehab and repair their heart and then they decide to marry someone else. They might live with you for 10 years or more but break up with you and marry someone else. That is not something you want for yourself. If you have kids with the individual, that is not something you want for them.

Conclusion

As I conclude, I think about the promise of wasted time. That is always a promise. When you procrastinate, you essentially procrastinate the learning process. You procrastinate any opportunity to learn about yourself, what you need to do as a single individual, and how you should navigate this world with proper goal planning and life management.

You cannot live on a fantasy. You cannot live with this idea that one day he will propose if I do this, or one day he will marry me if I do this, or one day he will truly see me or care about me if I do this, or one day he will finally accept me if I do this. Those one days can turn into years, and the person never marries you. If that happens, then that was deliberate on his part to keep his options open, and he did.

Therefore, no single woman should serve a single man romantically. It is not biblical. It is not democratic. It is not feasible long-term. It is not logical. It is not a guarantor of long-term commitment, loyalty, sustained love, and fidelity. You cannot marry someone who has not married you emotionally and who is not willing to honor you in this way. Stop giving away marital benefits and expecting a return on your investment when you are not married.

Pre-Singles Counseling Curriculum

I want to introduce you to my Pre-Singles Counseling Curriculum available on the site. The mission of the Pre-Singles Counseling Coaching Curriculum is to prepare women to enter singleness and make sound life decisions through proper planning, researching, and writing. The curriculum encourages discovery of gifts and talents before marital consideration. Development of the curriculum and the accompanying text is ongoing.

Pre-Singles Counseling Defined

Pre-Singles counseling is defined as the research processes and planning for entering a state of singlehood. The main target audience is 18 to 45 years of age; however, middle school to high school students are considered. Processes include:

  • Single to Single: transitional time prior to entering the dating market at any age
  • Single to Dating Single: transitional time prior to considering marriage
  • Single Dating to Marriage: transitional time prior to and after pre-marital counseling

Pre-Singles counseling is the immediate strategy of adopting life plans to manage the self as a responsible individual adult up to and including a major life change.

This is why you should embrace your period of singleness. Embracing your singleness provides the time necessary for self-discovery; to create a life plan strategy; and to self-assess knowledge gaps, address personal issues and problems, and establish immediate goal objectives. Essentially, embracing your singleness allows you to set immediate, two-year, five-year, and ten-year life planning objectives.

Here are a few links to start, but you can visit the Regina Y. Favors site for more information and access to videos. The video lectures are also available on YouTube. They are hyperlinked below.

General Planning: Establishing Objectives
General Planning: Academic Planning
General Planning: Career Planning
Pre-Marriage Planning: Pre-Marital Planning
Pre-Marriage Planning: Dating With Purpose Plan
Long-Term Planning: Two-Year Planning
Long-Term Planning: Five-Year Planning
Long-Term Planning: Your Assignment, Gift & Talent Plan

Other videos focus on tax planning, estate planning, and trusts planning. The list is not exhaustive and subject to change.

Thank you for reading.

Regina Y. Favors, Owner/Operator

The Regina Y. Favors Website

The vision of the site is to be the preferred online curriculum you need for life recovery.

Feedback

Your feedback is appreciated.

Copyright (C) 2022 Regina Y. Favors. All Rights Reserved.

Favors Love Rants: Can Two Walk Together Unless They Agree?

Source: Wikihow.com

The quote “Can two walk together unless they agree?” is a biblical verse, found in Amos 3:3 (KJV). It denotes a spiritual reference to the relationship a Christian believer has with God in terms of believing in him and that same believer has any dealing with humanity. It is solely spiritual, but I believe it has multiple implications, not excluding spiritual, but including financial, business, work, family relationships, friendships, and most importantly romantic relationships.

It cannot be suggested enough that who you engage to marry makes a difference, and that difference is based on essentially possessing a connection and recognizing compatibility. Now I did not make marriage a priority in my initial intent towards engaging the dating market. In fact, I didn’t even date. I never thought dating was productive because when you date, you run the risk of having multiple partners and engaging in casual sex.

Even though some people might find dating and by extension having casual sex as empowering, it is not truly productive because you end up wearing down your body, mind, spirit, finances, and psychology. No one can considerably manage and facilitate a diet of one-night stands and even those encounters that lead to some aspect of long-term development. Your life really cannot take too many hits!

Going back to my point, I did not make marriage a priority. I made shacking a priority. I have only shacked intentionally two times in my life, the first being in 1994 for a few months and the second incident in 2013 for nearly three years. In between those periods, I completed college and graduate school, I kept a place to myself, I moved hastily into a roommate’s apartment out of fear, and I struggled with being homeless during the period of the financial recession. In other words, I did not have time to shack with anyone. I was too busy surviving, struggling, a little overcoming, and surviving again. Oh yeah, there was some failure mixed into those situations.

Regardless, I am in my process of overcoming, and if you do not know that overcoming is a process just as surviving, then you should add this to your bucket list of things to do when you are exiting the setback process. Oh yeah, setback, exiting that is, has its processes too! Don’t fool yourself into believing that just because you got out of a situation hastily, maybe unscathed, but breathing that you did not experience a setback and that you are still in that setback until you receive and obey instruction out of it. See my books titled Overcoming Setback: Five Keys for Entering and Exiting Correction and Overcoming Setback Workbook: Processing Towards Life Recovery for more information on what setback truly is, how to exit it through accepting instruction, and how to pursue and sustain overcoming.

As I exit my own setback and correction processes and enter the processes of overcoming and sustaining that argument, I am reminded of the times in which I relied solely on the misguided belief that I would just merely take someone at their word concerning their relationship with me, their attitude towards me, their belief about my connection to them, and their desire to evict me emotionally once they realized they could not get what they wanted or once they realized that there was no true consensus regarding the friendship, relationship, and/or family dynamic.

It is a difficult thing to reach consensus, or agreement, with someone with a different view, especially when you feel duped by the representative he or she sends. Remember, people get our representative before they truly get us, and I’m not sure people ever get the real us. There is so much damage done and to be had in relationships that people would rather hold onto their anxieties than to explore fully their vulnerabilities. That’s sad. I never realized just how broken and cynical we all are concerning love and how much work we still need to do if we are going to rebuild the community that is both individual and the collective.

Even though we come from community, we operate as if community does not reside in us. The person who pushes and pursues drama and chaos abandons the concept of community for the experience of destruction. The person would rather see the fire burn, metaphorically, than to see someone with a hose come and put out the fire. People would rather shoot than talk. It used to be that the consensus was you fought with your hands. I don’t ever remember anyone bringing a gun to school.

I graduated from high school in 1993, born 1n 1974, and graduated with at least two years of job experience. I did not have much direction because some of the things I wanted to do did not pan out like I thought I had planned. In other words, I did not have an effective, executable plan. However, I did have a visual of something and somewhere I wanted to be and do and hope for even for the short-term. Of course, I still did not write out the vision, which is another scripture. That, too, is walking in agreement and walking with consensus.

Therefore, here are some keys to consider as you reflect on the agreements you have made in the past, the decisions you must make for your present, and the boundaries you need to set now for your future. Without attention to walking in agreement, you are bound to continue repeating some of your negative behaviors, hoping for change but never reaching it.

Write the Vision

You cannot operate and function correctly and appropriately if you have no visual image of who you are, what you want to do, where you want to go, how you want to achieve your dreams, when the time is right, and why it is necessary for you to be the one to get the job done!

Many people are in jobs for which they have no passion, no agreement. They are just doing the job. They may have a work ethic, and they can be depended upon to manage and complete tasks, but they are very unhappy with their decisions to stay at a company for which they feel provides any value. That is sad because I believe all of us have an opportunity to pursue difference, to pursue change. Pursuit might be inconvenient, but staying on that path to completion has its rewards.

For example, the person who wants different but complains about having to take college classes for improvement will find himself or herself still complaining many years later. It is a risk you take for yourself, but the way the systems are set up, it is much easier to take the risk, get money to pay for it, and learn and grow to the next levels. To not try but complain is symptomatic of a larger issue dealing with laziness, lack of confidence, and failure to see the bigger picture.

This means that the only agreement you are walking in is the one that perpetuates and supports your belief that you cannot or do not have to make it out of where you are for something better. Even a job can feel like a trap, but if the vision is to work the job for two to five years, take classes to elevate yourself into another position, and then finally reach the conclusion of that goal, then that is the first start to writing down the vision and seeing the vision to completion, i.e., to agreement. The vision and your corresponding action agree!

And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.

Habakkuk 2:2-3 (KJV)

People stay where they are because they lack vision AND because they fail to write down the vision. You have to envision yourself walking out of your setback and writing it down so that you can attend to it. This means that you have to agree with yourself, and you have to know to what you are agreeing.

For example, if your goal is to take some classes at the local community college to improve your chances at your job for moving up professionally, then that is simply a plan and not necessarily a vision. However, it is on the road to creating a vision for yourself which requires that you sit down with pen and pad and write down where you are and where you want to go. It is the gap assessment that I discuss in multiple audio lessons and articles, and it is another important key.

Conduct a Gap Assessment

Conduct a gap assessment to determine the difference between “what is” and “what should be.”

Conduct a gap assessment to determine “what is” and “what should be.”

You can find the full content for the gap assessment topic on this website by clicking the appropriate tab. You can also find this and various related topics on YouTube. Although you can find these video lessons in various places, it is important to consider the topic for this article.

Conducting a gap assessment to determine whether there is agreement and/or consensus within multiple areas of your life is an important strategy. If there is a gap between one part of your understanding and another, then that is an issue you must address. For example, if there is no consensus between the current credit card debt you have and the need to pay that credit card debt to completion, then there is a problem with agreement. In other words, there is disagreement between your belief about having credit cards and your inability, unwillingness, and/or failure to pay such cards. Both you and your credit cards are not walking in agreement.

Here is another example. In a recent blog article titled “Favors Love Rants: When a Man Feels Forced,” I addressed the need of women to begin thinking about how they force men, through ultimatum, into marriage by bluffing and/or calling their partner’s bluffs. A woman who feels a need to issue an ultimatum is not working in tandem or agreement with a male partner who is unaware that marriage is even on the table. In fact, the woman does not know if the man desires marriage in the first place let alone marriage to her.

This is an important gap assessment to consider because expectation and reality are disjointed. They are not parallel. We all remember parallel lines and the difference between them and lines that intersect.

Source: Mathatube.com

To parallel means to extend in the same direction, never converging or diverging. In other words, it is important to have parallel goals, decision-making, and ultimate vision for a romantic relationship, for finances, for spiritual growth, for career development, and for your life. When you find yourself deviating from those initial goals, then that suggests a divergence, which further suggests a gap in your thinking. Conducting a gap assessment would correct those ideas roaming around in your head that you believe are functional but are truly contrary to what you are trying to accomplish.

In other words, the young kid who is on the path of completing high school gets sidetracked in his thinking and decides to join a gang believing that in joining a gang he is truly being productive. What the kid does not realize is that he is out of alignment. His beliefs about completing high school conflict with his newly held beliefs about sustaining membership in a gang where school or achievement is unnecessary for acceptance. Where there is a gap in understanding, there is also disagreement.

The irony is that the more you and your partner or you and your finances are aligned, paralleled, and in agreement, the more your beliefs intersect. It is like your ideas run into each other because you have the same vision for the relationship and/or for your individual life. Conducting the gap assessment permits you the opportunity to determine the gaps in your thinking and how best to close out those gaps with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding.

The following are videos part of the gap assessment topics housed on the website. These are short but provide some insight into realigning yourself with your own belief system so that there is agreement. The content is wholly adapted. Not all audio lessons are represented in the following listing. However, the full video discussion is available at the end of this article. You can skip ahead of the snippet videos and view the full video discussion.

Understanding Gap Assessment

The gap assessment is a strategy typically used in business, and I have added it to one or more books, especially the one titled Favors Sample Life Plan: Using Psychology, SWOT, & SMART to Measure Financial Progress. The book is available on Amazon. You can find links for each book under the tabs “Books” and “About” on this site. The use of the gap assessment strategy in the book references finances and financial management. Here is a quick video on the concept.

Conducting a gap assessment for life planning is always important. Consider the following questions as informative.

Why is it important to conduct a gap assessment?

It is important to conduct a gap assessment in your thinking about where you are and where you want to be long-term. The gap assessment usually reveals what is going on in your present day and what you want to happen in your future. It reveals how you may have mishandled executing your goals. Here is a quick video about counting the costs before you make decisions in your life.

The gap assessment is significant because it is useful for all areas of your life, including academic, professional, personal, and financial. The last category is likely more important than any other area because if you do not have discipline over your finances, the knowledge gap will affect every other area of your life. Your finances matter, and how you manage your finances matters!

Where are you today?

This question encourages you to assess areas of your life that might reflect a knowledge gap or that might reflect a knowledge assurance. Before you complete the workbook elements of this discussion, review the following video.

Understanding where you are today is important because it requires that you be truthful about your decision-making, recognize facts that support those truths, and plan from that knowledge point to get to where you want to be.

Where should you be?

Where you should be is predicated on who you think you are, your capacity and capability, and your future contribution, i.e., what you want it to be. It is up to you to ensure you have what you need in the present for the future.

You must be sufficiently prepared for the future you want. The feelings of inconvenience because you are forced to learn in your present must be something you address but ultimately ignore because you cannot get anywhere living in the present with regret. This cannot be said enough. It is important to plan for your future. The following video is about conducting an assessment of your finances.

Think about the issues referenced within the video as you provide responses to the following questions.

What are your financial plans?

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What is your financial vision?

__________________________________________

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What is your financial purpose?

__________________________________________

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To where do you want to take yourself financially?

__________________________________________

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Conducting a gap assessment should not stop with finances. You may easily use the strategy to assess romantic relationships, business relationships, and any other life area that you may be struggling with and needing resolution. Regardless, there must be agreement between your goals and how you want to accomplish them and/or how you envision yourself and the necessary steps you must take to reach completion.

Conclusion

In concluding this article, it is important to consider the business tool SWOT as you determine how best to close knowledge gaps that are are preventing you from reaching and sustaining agreement between you and your finances, between you and your romantic choices, and between you and your belief systems. Any time left trying to figure out where you went wrong is still important, but the goal must be to determine where there is disagreement and what choices are central for moving your life back into alignment.

Source: Medium.com

When you think about whether your life is in agreement, consider the following questions:

  • What are your strengths?
  • What are your weaknesses?
  • What are your opportunities?
  • What are your threats?

These are general questions, but it is important to tailor the questions to your finances, romance choices, career preparation, and personal life. Here is an example:

  • What are your romance choice strengths?
  • What are your romance choice weaknesses?
  • What are your romance choice opportunities?
  • What are your romance choice threats?

The more time you spend in reflecting on your decisions, the easier it becomes to recognize when you are making decisions that do not line up with your core values. Of course, you must have core values, standards, expectations, and boundaries. Unless you know what those areas are and represent, you will continue to get off the path of your goals. This further suggests that you must create, manage, and pursue completion of your goals. You must have them!

An important life recovery objective then would be to assess your SWOT. This will lead to conducting a gap assessment and further to other areas of your life that need repair. Working through life recovery is no easy task, but it is important that you walk in agreement with yourself. When you do not, this is evident in your relationships, decisions, and setbacks.

Thank you for reading.

Regina Y. Favors, Owner/Operator

The Regina Y. Favors Website

The vision of the site is to be the preferred online curriculum you need for life recovery.

Full Video Discussion

This is the full video discussion for Gap Assessment. Review it in its entirety for full understanding.

Copyright (C) 2022 Regina Y. Favors. All Rights Reserved.

Feedback

Your feedback is appreciated.

Favors Love Rants: When A Man Feels Forced

Source: Picturequotes.com

I have been doing some self-reflection on past romantic relationships. The problem is that I haven’t had many relationships. I’m pretty much a loner, and romantic relationships are not something I just yearn for as a long-term life strategy. I yearn for connection like anyone else.

There are times I think about past friendships and there are a couple of people with whom I can count on one hand who I wish I had cultivated a stronger and longer relationship. I spent more time with people who did not want me than with people who could invest into me in the same way that I knew I was capable of investing in them and did as much. The ones I wasted my time with, friendship and romantic, I did a whole lot of investing.

I regret those decisions because if I had invested into those two people that come to mind, I would have their friendship, I would have grown up in some areas of emotional and psychological development, and I would definitely be further along financially because they were very smart with their finances. You definitely have to be careful where and with whom you spend your time.

I don’t like to dwell on regret too much because it is just another type of setback, and you can get stuck in regret. However, choices in friendships, even if romance was not something I truly cared about initially, should have mattered more. I would like to say I learned what I needed to learn in those situations, but I cannot. I can only rely on self-reflection and glean as much as I can from those encounters. I will be sure not to take for granted significant relationships again.

But as I was thinking about those friendships, I began to think about my last relationship which spurned all the books, serials, and YouTube discussions. It was the situation where I was trying to force a relationship. I had reached my late 30s, and I guess I was ready to settle down, even if I didn’t mouth those words. That discovery came later through self-reflection. Because I had few romantic relationships and they were few and far between and very short, I did not gain the understanding necessary to navigate romance appropriately.

Sure, I shacked a couple of times in my romance lifespan, but those shacking situations were nearly 20 years apart: one was in 1994 for a few months and the other was in 2013 for almost three years. I didn’t have the language to understand game, true relationship-making leading to long-term and possibly to marriage, and the ways in which people make decisions about their lives. Just because you function with other people in the world does not necessarily mean you know how people function. Both of you can be dysfunctional, calling it functional and feeling really good about yourselves.

Therefore, here are a few revelations I have come to understand about my previous relationship and my misshapen understanding about love and loss. Videos are integrated to encourage further insight.

Revelation #1: A person can have nothing and still not want you.

The fact that we think people need us is a major red flag. People do not need you as much as you think. In fact, they can do life simply without you. Just because they take something from you does not mean that they equally believe they need you. You base your desire to help the person on your current economic and social status. In other words, you believe you have life pegged, but you assume that the person you want to help does not have their life together.

Herein lies the first problem: the idea that you believe you have it together more than your counterpart. You have the job, you have the money, you have the progress, and you believe your partner needs you. But I realized that a person can have nothing and still not want you. The person can live with you, eat your food, run up your light bill, take money from you, feign love, and still leave and marry someone else. It happens all the time.

Here it is you who thinks that if you do everything for the person that he or she will stay, but there is no guarantee that a person will stay and/or marry you just because you desire it. The other person must desire to be married, discover you to be marriage material for him (or her), and determine that you are the one he (or she) wants to marry. Just because you are living together means nothing.

If a man is reading this article and desires to get married and who has been living with a partner for a number of years believing that he will marry, the same is true for you too. Of course, there is a slight difference in how a man chooses a wife and how a woman chooses a husband. It is the man who finds a wife and not the other way around.

Sure, there has been this uptick in women proposing to men, but I don’t expect those relationships to last long because a man needs to feel like a man. For a woman to propose to him takes that male part away from him. That means she is driving the relationship. Men will only let women drive so long.

Revelation #2: Men are not projects.

Women think that the love language is solely about nurturing, i.e., taking in a man like a kid, fixing him up, making him dinner, rewarding him with sex, and working the relationship out financially. Men are not projects. You cannot take them apart and put them back together again. You cannot eyeball every problem that is wrong with them and think that you are going to come in and be his “Ms. Fixit.” It doesn’t work that way.

Men are natural fixers. When you take away their abilities to fix a problem you are having, then you attack their maleness. You attack the “me” in a man. There is a “me” a man needs to feel, and it usually represents his strength, his prowess, his ego, and his virility. You doing the work for him places him in his feminine. This means that as a woman you are acting more masculine.

The true question then becomes who is wearing the Superman cape?

If the woman wants to wear the cape, then why would she ever have a need for a man with a cape?

Regina Y. Favors

There is nothing wrong with a woman throwing a cape on her back and fixing her own problems. We are 100% responsible adults. We are responsible for ourselves as single individuals. This should be a given. This should be an obvious understanding. However, where I believe we women may struggle is with the notion that a man is a 100% responsible adult.

We are all lacking in our understanding about key life issues. We are great with finances in one area such as keeping our own place and managing shelter costs, but we may struggle with finances when it comes to giving money to family members without question. We can pay for ourselves but struggle to have money at the end of the pay period.

This suggests that we have been spreading our capes too thin! This further suggests that when we operate in our masculine and try to do for a man what he needs to do for himself, we are spreading our mental, psychological, spiritual, and financial capes too thin. We need to understand boundaries. We need to understand expectations. We need to communicate what we desire so we do not waste our time! There is nothing worse than expecting one thing and getting another.

The following Facebook Watch video link is not necessarily about a woman spreading her cape too thin, but it is about a woman who was expecting one thing, thought she could use force to get that one thing, and discovered that her partner was not willing to give her what she wanted. Here is the video link. Keep in mind that I do not control the content and distribution of the video, so there is no guarantee that it will be housed on the individual’s Facebook profile, page or Facebook Watch in the future. The video is also not a Favors branded product. Integration of the video is subject to fair use.

To summarize, in the video the woman suggests that she was forcing her man to marry her, giving him an ultimatum, but he surprised her and let her move without anywhere to go. He even helped her on the day of the move. Forcing a man to marry you through ultimatum and by developing him as a project will not yield a significant return. The woman invested heart, body, mind, and money, and the investment only yielded her emotional eviction. She was not expecting to exit the relationship. As she suggests, she was merely bluffing, but the male partner decided to call her bluff.

Here is a quick video from my Readiness series that you will find on my site. This is a Post-Exit Planning video on Emotional Eviction. View it to gain insight. You can access this video also on this website. Click the above hyperlink. Emotional eviction is usually inevitable when you begin the relationship on a hasty foot.

Emotional eviction can happen in any relationship, not just romantic. This is why it is important to guide your heart concerning all matters of life because out of the heart flows your mindset and belief system, your fears and anxieties, and your hopes and dreams. Worrying yourself about a toxic relationship never works long-term.

Before the situation with the woman got too far where she had to bluff her way out of a relationship believing that calling his bluff about marriage would prevent him from calling her bluff about the ultimatum, she had time to assess the relationship to hedge against embarrassment. What she learned was that one bluff did not cancel out another bluff. It was the male partner who won in the end because she ended up relocating without any money, friends, or job prospects. In other words, her little project to get him to marry her did not work, and she was forced to regroup emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and financially.

Revelation #3: Ask a man what he wants.

One unique aspect of the two-part video with the woman and the man explaining her perspective was that in his explanation, the man reveals that women do not often ask men what they want, especially when it comes to marriage.

Much time can be saved if two romantic partners have the necessary conversation. What if women who wanted to marry asked the man, “Do you want to get married?”

  • How significant would that question be if we asked it?
  • How significant would that question be if we understood that men have the right to marry or not to marry?

These two questions are necessary, but they also reveal that a person who is looking for both sex and marriage might not get either if they have necessary conversations. People tend to pursue their own interests, first, and then attempt to pursue the right thing later. The woman who gives an ultimatum is a woman who waited too long to get to a certain point in the relationship. If the woman asks early about whether the man wants to marry, then that cuts down the dating pool. The person would be considered marriage-minded. In other words, both parties to a romantic relationship would understand these key points. Let’s examine it from a man’s perspective:

  • The man is husband material.
  • The man sees the woman he is with as wife material.
  • The man sees himself as a husband to the woman.
  • The man sees himself as married to the woman.

These ideas are expressed in the following helpful video where the YouTuber explores the concept of knowing if a man is husband material and how to look for the signs. Integration of the video is subject to fair use. Please note that there is no guarantee the video will be available in the future because it is not a Favors branded product.

RC Blakes suggests that women should not merely look at the outer surface of men; instead, they should focus on the intent of the man, i.e., what he intends for the romantic relationship and whether the woman is part of his current and/or future intentions. A guy who desires to marry will declare this intent.

There is no guarantee that the man will marry you, but at least you are aware of his intent and can then structure your life based on your own personal intent regarding to marry or not to marry. Understanding a person’s intention, asking the previous questions, and having the necessary conversations will save you time, heartache, and financial mismanagement.

Reflections on Romantic Hastiness

Regardless, asking that and any other question would save time, heartache, and financial mismanagement.

One of the hardest conclusions to arrive at is the notion that we have been hasty in our decision-making, especially when it comes to romance and finances. In fact, romance and finance are often intertwined and interdependent. That is why it is harder to separate finances from romance when a couple divorces. There are so many more factors at play.

The following video explores my perception and past experiences with romantic hastiness. You can view it on the site, on YouTube, and related social media. The aspect of the video that is most significant is the part where I discuss how we navigate romance and romantic relationships without consensus. We believe we are walking in agreement within a relationship, but we discover that each person wants different things. Therefore, there is no consensus about the present or the future for the relationship.

Listen to the following video and glean whatever insight you can for the issues you want to address in your life, whether romance or finance.

You will find that people who spend a little more time in self-reflection will be less likely to engage hastily in future and potential romantic relationships.

Conclusion

There is nothing worse than a man feeling forced to do or be anything to anyone, especially a woman. Sometimes you can force someone before their time. You two might supposed to be together, but timing matters. Then you could force someone to be with you and it affects them negatively. You were too much, or he was too much.

Regardless, men, especially men, who feel forced into relationships of any kind tend to retaliate and eventually leave that person for someone who he feels at peace with. It’s not worth the trouble.

Wait. Work on yourself. Get your finances in order. Work on your health, mind, body, spirit, etc. Then you will be able to discern the right situation and strategy.

Thank you for reading.

Regina Y. Favors, Owner/Operator

The Regina Y. Favors Website

The vision of the site is to be the preferred online curriculum you need for life recovery.

Source: Kailmaquotes.com

Copyright (C) 2022 Regina Y. Favors. All Rights Reserved.

Favors Love Rants: The Problems with Exes Coming Back

I’m beginning this new blog series to focus on some aspects of relationship-making and decision-making that bothers me a great deal. A couple of years prior to and after my last relationship that ended in February 2016, I wrote many of my books on rebounding, rebound relationships, and essentially toxic encounters. I only implicitly referenced exes and linked the term to rebounding, but now I would like to think and analyze this situation more in this blog and possibly future blog entries.

Therefore, I have a few issues I want to get off my chest. Maybe reference some TV series and real-life events throughout this rant and future rants. Rest assured, I will try to stay focused and maintain a balanced view of the subject matter.

The Favors Love Rants are an appendix to the rebounding, overcoming setback, readiness, and pre-singles serials. Click the appropriate tabs on the Regina Y. Favors site. This discussion is subject to fair use.

Here is my first point.

Exes get on my nerves!

I’m not merely referring to your own ex. I am referring to your current boyfriend’s or husband’s ex: the person who refuses to let go even though said person had more than enough time to reconcile with the person who is now your man. This is what bothers me the most because women, or men, will procrastinate the reconciliation process thinking that they have all the time in the world to make things right.

Instead, they wait out of sheer ego and spite to hold back their feelings. I have always been the person who has voiced what I wanted. Maybe to the detriment of a relationship, but you knew where I stood. I was never forceful, per se, but I made sure you understood my point of view.

But exes who wait too long often will try to make the most of their appeal to your man, or woman, to give the relationship another chance, to believe again and invest emotionally, to consider the length of time the two of them were in a relationship, and to care enough about them to see the bigger picture.

They try to come back because they believe they have the prerogative, which really means they feel entitled. I have a few TV and film references I am interested in exploring. I make my additional points with these references and then conclude at the end of this article.

Dorothy & Stan: Preferences & Reluctance

I think about Dorothy and Stan on the Golden Girls. Stan never did right by Dorothy. He cheated throughout the marriage, they divorced, they tried multiple times to get back together, then they tried to get married one more time, it failed, and then they gave up the ghost, so to speak.

Eventually, when Dorothy discovered someone who would love and protect her, by way of Blanche’s uncle, Stan came back around with his appeal for love. Granted he struggled to understand why Dorothy would not sign his prenup, given the fact that she had put up with him and his shenanigans for years. If he didn’t trust her by now, then he would never trust her, and Stan was feeling a lot froggy since he had gotten all that money.

But my major issue with Stan is he had all that time to do right by Dorothy, and he simply refused. It doesn’t matter that he got a lot of money and was wanting to protect said money. He wouldn’t have asked any one of his blonde preferences to sign a prenup. He would have found the request dishonoring and unreasonable. This is not to say that he wouldn’t have protected himself. The Stan of old would never let himself become broke again in his present.

But to ask Dorothy for a prenup after all the years of dealing with hurt and pain and distrust was just dumb. There were different ways he could have handled that situation. Instead, on Dorothy’s wedding day, he kidnaps her in a limo and makes his case one last time. Here is the video.

This time, Dorothy was in a wedding dress, beautiful, happy, and ready to start a new life with a husband who cared for her, loved her, wanted to marry her without conditions, and someone she could surely trust and be friends with throughout the rest of her life.

That kind of love came late for Dorothy, and she had her own struggles in previously sleeping with a married man and him returning some years later, and related struggles in dealing with both Stan and other situations. Regardless, she stuck it out, worked on herself, kept teaching, and just found her own little peace . . . until love unexpectedly came knocking at her door.

It was a good thing that she did not take Stan back after the umpteenth time he had hurt and caused her pain. But it bothers me that he thought he had the right to appeal to her in the first place after so many years and when she was about to marry someone else.

There is really nothing wrong with making your love case to someone you feel may be the right person for you or you desire to engage the issue after so many years, but once someone is married or is about to be married or even engaged, do not engage that person again. It is disrespectful, and it leaves a long-lasting effect of distrust and anxiety.

Stan waited too long, and he reluctantly had to give his blessing and give up his blessing in Dorothy.

Dwayne & Whitley: Vulnerability & Anxiety

The major problem I have with Dwayne is that he had prime access to Whitley when he had her before Byron came on the scene. If he wanted Whitley, then he should not have cheated somewhat with someone else. He is the one who proposed to keep Whitley in town so she would not work at the internship in New York. He proposed out of fear, and then he was forced to walk out that fear all the way to the lips of another woman.

No one wants to lose a relationship, but every time you make decisions out of fear, you end up losing yourself. Dwayne repeated this decision while Whitley was getting ready to marry Byron at the altar, no less, and proposed marriage, again, out of fear. Here is the video.

Now sure, we understand that Dwayne and Whitley are the couple who should be together. They had been dancing around their intentions and love throughout the series. But I have to wonder about Dwayne sometimes whether he really meant even the proposal on the bridal aisle. Whitley is marrying someone else. Shouldn’t that be it? Why would he need to wait until she is about to marry someone else to confess his true intentions?

This bothers me a great deal because Byron was willing to marry Whitley. Dwayne was not. He got cold feet. This makes you wonder if his mother’s suspicions about Whitley were right: that she wasn’t the right person for her Dwayne. Regardless, the fact that he had the time to make good on his original promise to marry her and then succeeded to interrupt her current process in marrying someone else says a lot about the roles of exes and how they perceive your vulnerability.

Dwayne knew Whitley would not say no to him. He knew that in some cases Whitley had some people pleasing qualities, struggling first with her mother’s wishes and then desiring to respect her father’s decision to marry someone closer to his daughter’s age. No way would Whitley say no to Dwayne! Not going to happen, and it didn’t happen. She said yes! Dwayne knew this, and he made his ultimate case.

Many would say that “Love won at the end,” but you can’t truly conclude that statement if Dwayne pursued the situation using anxiety, interrupted the processing of someone’s marriage, and took someone who belonged to another person. To me, that’s stealing. Some might find my argument irrational, but it is nonetheless true. If I wait too long to pursue reconciliation with a partner, then wait until he is getting married to someone else to say, “Marry me,” and further walk out with him as my husband on that woman’s and family’s dime no less, then I would be stealing!

I would be a thief.

Some Things are No Longer Yours

Some things are no longer yours when you give them up. You cannot expect to keep something you decided to lose. It is one thing to have a situation like the main characters in Cast Away, played by Helen Hunt and Tom Hanks, be forced to give up each other because there is the assumption that the latter’s character has died.

Tom Hanks’s character was forced to give up his fiance, and when he was found, he had no other choice but to let her go. She was already married with a kid and established. He had no right to come back and reclaim his fiance, even if he was not directly responsible for the plane crash.

However, he was directly responsible for working too much, traveling all the time, and taking the relationship he had with Helen Hunt’s character for granted. There were many opportunities for him to realize that he needed to slow down, pour more into the relationship, and stay. Yes, he had to work, but it was implied that he worked too much and did not give enough time to his fiance. That work led to a crash, to a separation, to a reunion, and to a decision to let his fiance go! He lost the right to regain access to her and her life. It is in the following video where he has to make this heart-wrenching decision.

You could feel his pain after his return. You could feel it during the press conference when he sees her crying outside. You could feel it when he stopped by her house to talk. You could feel it when she cleared the jeep for him to take. You could feel it when he had to drive off and she stood in the rain, calling out to him. You could feel it when he backed up and ran to her . . . in the rain. You could feel it when they were in the car, and you were rooting for them despite the fact that we knew she was now married. You could feel it when she had to make that final decision to let him go! And in the scene above, you can feel the weight of his decision to let her go!

This is what happens when two people do not resolve their issues before one decides to move on with another person. I have many more examples, and I might do an analysis of My Best Friend’s Wedding because Julia Roberts’ character gets on my nerves too!

Conclusion

I conclude this first Favors Love Rants with my own personal experience, albeit briefly. All of my experiences are represented through the serials I have created, the books I have written, the YouTube series, and all content is housed also on the Regina Y. Favors website for view.

The guy I was with struggled with an ex who would not let him go. I remember him telling me what she said to him as our relationship was coming to a close. She said to him, “I can call you anytime and I know you will come.” She also said that he had a duty to her. This is the same woman who refused to let him know where she lived, who let him stay at my house so she didn’t have to take care of him, and who he kept running back to like he was a wounded deer seeking solace. He found none.

He made the one last decision to return to her for sex, and that was one last decision I was willing to put up with. I broke things off, packed his things, moved him in a cab since I do not drive, and returned home. I was romantically homeless again, which was fine with me because before my relationship with him, I had been single 13 years. I was cool with that option. I had too many issues I needed to deal with before any consideration of a romantic relationship. However, in choosing to be in relationship with him, I discovered through self-reflection that I was returning to dead things. It is scripture:

As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returning to his folly.

Proverbs 26:11

Once I realized in clutching at him I was essentially clutching at my past, trying to make it work, and trying to make something that was dead live again, I knew I had to let it go. I had to let it go emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually, and financially. I could no longer put money on the problem and equally believe it would solve the problem. I was tired, too old for the foolishness, and I just wanted out for good. I do not want to return anymore to this type of folly because this life crossroad almost cost me my life.

That is another lesson for the day. Going back is not always beneficial. Going back does not always support the assumption that it will work just because you try to will it so. You cannot control someone’s will. If they do not want to work things out with you, then they do not want to work things out with you! Period.

This means that the ex who returns should reach that understanding before their ex-partner decides to marry another. You do not visit an ex-partner the night before to make your case when you had sufficient time prior to him dating to make the same case. If he is the one for you prior to his potential marriage, then he is the one for you during that time when he has not proposed to anyone. He is no longer the one for you while he has placed a ring on some woman’s finger, while he has professed his love for her in front of his and her family, and while he is actively marrying her.

I really do not believe that there are exceptions to the rule. Brown Sugar is one of those movies I would like to consider analyzing using Favors Love Rants because no man is your man while he is married to someone else. For the person to be your man, he or she would have to divorce, get therapy, self-reflect, and then consider you as an option. Kissing on a single woman while you are a married man is not love.

My ex-partner did not end up with the woman he refused to let go. In fact, he ended up marrying someone else, and I am glad that they are happy with each other. In keeping in line with the spirit of this article, it would definitely be wrong of me to contact him for anything. Whatever time I had with him was my time. Whatever time he has with his “wife” is their time. The times do not have the right to mix.

My time is up! If you are considering returning to an ex-partner who is already involved with someone else, your time is up too!

Thank you for reading. You can view many of the series where I discuss rebounding, overcoming setback, relationship readiness, and pre-singles considerations on the Regina Y. Favors website.

Have a great day.

Regina Y. Favors, Owner/Operator

The Regina Y. Favors Website

The vision of the Regina Y. Favors website is to be the preferred online curriculum you need for life recovery.

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Copyright (C) 2022 Regina Y. Favors. All Rights Reserved.

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