I have been doing some self-reflection on past romantic relationships. The problem is that I haven’t had many relationships. I’m pretty much a loner, and romantic relationships are not something I just yearn for as a long-term life strategy. I yearn for connection like anyone else.
There are times I think about past friendships and there are a couple of people with whom I can count on one hand who I wish I had cultivated a stronger and longer relationship. I spent more time with people who did not want me than with people who could invest into me in the same way that I knew I was capable of investing in them and did as much. The ones I wasted my time with, friendship and romantic, I did a whole lot of investing.
I regret those decisions because if I had invested into those two people that come to mind, I would have their friendship, I would have grown up in some areas of emotional and psychological development, and I would definitely be further along financially because they were very smart with their finances. You definitely have to be careful where and with whom you spend your time.
I don’t like to dwell on regret too much because it is just another type of setback, and you can get stuck in regret. However, choices in friendships, even if romance was not something I truly cared about initially, should have mattered more. I would like to say I learned what I needed to learn in those situations, but I cannot. I can only rely on self-reflection and glean as much as I can from those encounters. I will be sure not to take for granted significant relationships again.
But as I was thinking about those friendships, I began to think about my last relationship which spurned all the books, serials, and YouTube discussions. It was the situation where I was trying to force a relationship. I had reached my late 30s, and I guess I was ready to settle down, even if I didn’t mouth those words. That discovery came later through self-reflection. Because I had few romantic relationships and they were few and far between and very short, I did not gain the understanding necessary to navigate romance appropriately.
Sure, I shacked a couple of times in my romance lifespan, but those shacking situations were nearly 20 years apart: one was in 1994 for a few months and the other was in 2013 for almost three years. I didn’t have the language to understand game, true relationship-making leading to long-term and possibly to marriage, and the ways in which people make decisions about their lives. Just because you function with other people in the world does not necessarily mean you know how people function. Both of you can be dysfunctional, calling it functional and feeling really good about yourselves.
Therefore, here are a few revelations I have come to understand about my previous relationship and my misshapen understanding about love and loss. Videos are integrated to encourage further insight.
Revelation #1: A person can have nothing and still not want you.
The fact that we think people need us is a major red flag. People do not need you as much as you think. In fact, they can do life simply without you. Just because they take something from you does not mean that they equally believe they need you. You base your desire to help the person on your current economic and social status. In other words, you believe you have life pegged, but you assume that the person you want to help does not have their life together.
Herein lies the first problem: the idea that you believe you have it together more than your counterpart. You have the job, you have the money, you have the progress, and you believe your partner needs you. But I realized that a person can have nothing and still not want you. The person can live with you, eat your food, run up your light bill, take money from you, feign love, and still leave and marry someone else. It happens all the time.
Here it is you who thinks that if you do everything for the person that he or she will stay, but there is no guarantee that a person will stay and/or marry you just because you desire it. The other person must desire to be married, discover you to be marriage material for him (or her), and determine that you are the one he (or she) wants to marry. Just because you are living together means nothing.
If a man is reading this article and desires to get married and who has been living with a partner for a number of years believing that he will marry, the same is true for you too. Of course, there is a slight difference in how a man chooses a wife and how a woman chooses a husband. It is the man who finds a wife and not the other way around.
Sure, there has been this uptick in women proposing to men, but I don’t expect those relationships to last long because a man needs to feel like a man. For a woman to propose to him takes that male part away from him. That means she is driving the relationship. Men will only let women drive so long.
Revelation #2: Men are not projects.
Women think that the love language is solely about nurturing, i.e., taking in a man like a kid, fixing him up, making him dinner, rewarding him with sex, and working the relationship out financially. Men are not projects. You cannot take them apart and put them back together again. You cannot eyeball every problem that is wrong with them and think that you are going to come in and be his “Ms. Fixit.” It doesn’t work that way.
Men are natural fixers. When you take away their abilities to fix a problem you are having, then you attack their maleness. You attack the “me” in a man. There is a “me” a man needs to feel, and it usually represents his strength, his prowess, his ego, and his virility. You doing the work for him places him in his feminine. This means that as a woman you are acting more masculine.
The true question then becomes who is wearing the Superman cape?
If the woman wants to wear the cape, then why would she ever have a need for a man with a cape?Regina Y. Favors
There is nothing wrong with a woman throwing a cape on her back and fixing her own problems. We are 100% responsible adults. We are responsible for ourselves as single individuals. This should be a given. This should be an obvious understanding. However, where I believe we women may struggle is with the notion that a man is a 100% responsible adult.
We are all lacking in our understanding about key life issues. We are great with finances in one area such as keeping our own place and managing shelter costs, but we may struggle with finances when it comes to giving money to family members without question. We can pay for ourselves but struggle to have money at the end of the pay period.
This suggests that we have been spreading our capes too thin! This further suggests that when we operate in our masculine and try to do for a man what he needs to do for himself, we are spreading our mental, psychological, spiritual, and financial capes too thin. We need to understand boundaries. We need to understand expectations. We need to communicate what we desire so we do not waste our time! There is nothing worse than expecting one thing and getting another.
The following Facebook Watch video link is not necessarily about a woman spreading her cape too thin, but it is about a woman who was expecting one thing, thought she could use force to get that one thing, and discovered that her partner was not willing to give her what she wanted. Here is the video link. Keep in mind that I do not control the content and distribution of the video, so there is no guarantee that it will be housed on the individual’s Facebook profile, page or Facebook Watch in the future. The video is also not a Favors branded product. Integration of the video is subject to fair use.
To summarize, in the video the woman suggests that she was forcing her man to marry her, giving him an ultimatum, but he surprised her and let her move without anywhere to go. He even helped her on the day of the move. Forcing a man to marry you through ultimatum and by developing him as a project will not yield a significant return. The woman invested heart, body, mind, and money, and the investment only yielded her emotional eviction. She was not expecting to exit the relationship. As she suggests, she was merely bluffing, but the male partner decided to call her bluff.
Here is a quick video from my Readiness series that you will find on my site. This is a Post-Exit Planning video on Emotional Eviction. View it to gain insight. You can access this video also on this website. Click the above hyperlink. Emotional eviction is usually inevitable when you begin the relationship on a hasty foot.
Emotional eviction can happen in any relationship, not just romantic. This is why it is important to guide your heart concerning all matters of life because out of the heart flows your mindset and belief system, your fears and anxieties, and your hopes and dreams. Worrying yourself about a toxic relationship never works long-term.
Before the situation with the woman got too far where she had to bluff her way out of a relationship believing that calling his bluff about marriage would prevent him from calling her bluff about the ultimatum, she had time to assess the relationship to hedge against embarrassment. What she learned was that one bluff did not cancel out another bluff. It was the male partner who won in the end because she ended up relocating without any money, friends, or job prospects. In other words, her little project to get him to marry her did not work, and she was forced to regroup emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and financially.
Revelation #3: Ask a man what he wants.
One unique aspect of the two-part video with the woman and the man explaining her perspective was that in his explanation, the man reveals that women do not often ask men what they want, especially when it comes to marriage.
Much time can be saved if two romantic partners have the necessary conversation. What if women who wanted to marry asked the man, “Do you want to get married?”
- How significant would that question be if we asked it?
- How significant would that question be if we understood that men have the right to marry or not to marry?
These two questions are necessary, but they also reveal that a person who is looking for both sex and marriage might not get either if they have necessary conversations. People tend to pursue their own interests, first, and then attempt to pursue the right thing later. The woman who gives an ultimatum is a woman who waited too long to get to a certain point in the relationship. If the woman asks early about whether the man wants to marry, then that cuts down the dating pool. The person would be considered marriage-minded. In other words, both parties to a romantic relationship would understand these key points. Let’s examine it from a man’s perspective:
- The man is husband material.
- The man sees the woman he is with as wife material.
- The man sees himself as a husband to the woman.
- The man sees himself as married to the woman.
These ideas are expressed in the following helpful video where the YouTuber explores the concept of knowing if a man is husband material and how to look for the signs. Integration of the video is subject to fair use. Please note that there is no guarantee the video will be available in the future because it is not a Favors branded product.
RC Blakes suggests that women should not merely look at the outer surface of men; instead, they should focus on the intent of the man, i.e., what he intends for the romantic relationship and whether the woman is part of his current and/or future intentions. A guy who desires to marry will declare this intent.
There is no guarantee that the man will marry you, but at least you are aware of his intent and can then structure your life based on your own personal intent regarding to marry or not to marry. Understanding a person’s intention, asking the previous questions, and having the necessary conversations will save you time, heartache, and financial mismanagement.
Reflections on Romantic Hastiness
Regardless, asking that and any other question would save time, heartache, and financial mismanagement.
One of the hardest conclusions to arrive at is the notion that we have been hasty in our decision-making, especially when it comes to romance and finances. In fact, romance and finance are often intertwined and interdependent. That is why it is harder to separate finances from romance when a couple divorces. There are so many more factors at play.
The following video explores my perception and past experiences with romantic hastiness. You can view it on the site, on YouTube, and related social media. The aspect of the video that is most significant is the part where I discuss how we navigate romance and romantic relationships without consensus. We believe we are walking in agreement within a relationship, but we discover that each person wants different things. Therefore, there is no consensus about the present or the future for the relationship.
Listen to the following video and glean whatever insight you can for the issues you want to address in your life, whether romance or finance.
You will find that people who spend a little more time in self-reflection will be less likely to engage hastily in future and potential romantic relationships.
There is nothing worse than a man feeling forced to do or be anything to anyone, especially a woman. Sometimes you can force someone before their time. You two might supposed to be together, but timing matters. Then you could force someone to be with you and it affects them negatively. You were too much, or he was too much.
Regardless, men, especially men, who feel forced into relationships of any kind tend to retaliate and eventually leave that person for someone who he feels at peace with. It’s not worth the trouble.
Wait. Work on yourself. Get your finances in order. Work on your health, mind, body, spirit, etc. Then you will be able to discern the right situation and strategy.
Thank you for reading.
Regina Y. Favors, Owner/Operator
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