Hastiness, in general, is a form of surviving. It is the mind’s way of telling the body to hurry up and get something before someone else gets it. The need to hurry could apply to getting a job before your time, entering a romantic relationship before you are ready, and/or applying finances to a problem before you fully understand the problem.
Hastiness must be canceled with repentance, i.e., grieving over your decision-making and developing strategies that perpetuate patience. You cannot sustain life being hasty in everything you do. You will undoubtedly end up entering a setback, which will require correction, and later pursuit of overcoming that setback. The more you are hasty, the more likely you will always live in setback.
Romantic hastiness, thus, is that belief system characterized as hijacking your future season while you are in the present. You see someone you want and instead of waiting in preparation and learning about yourself, you seize what you believe to be an opportunity for you. You think to yourself that the person likes you and you like the person.
Why not pursue?
The problem with pursuing is that you do not know the person enough to pursue or conquer. You only understand the surface level of the person, and that is usually characterized by what you see visually. You equate beauty with being a fully complete, competent person when, in fact, the person may have more struggles beneath the surface than you care to mention and/or address.
Romantic hastiness is that zeal to be in a relationship but the lack of patience to endure one. This is why people love to fall in love because they love the momentary pleasures that come with meeting, engaging, and experiencing love, but they do not have the courage and/or patience even to work through the first problem in the relationship.
As soon as the person removes their representative and actor/actress and begin to demonstrate who he or she really is, and that view of the person does not align with your fantasy, then you are quick to exit the relationship or at least hang on to it, get the benefits you can get from it, and then abandon it the very first change you get.
It is unfortunate that people do not understand the value in sticking it out, in staying with a relationship until it reaches completion, and in being open to learn about relationship-making while in relationship. Holding hands is not relationship. Kissing alone is not relationship. Yelling all the time is not relationship. Separating at nauseum is not relationship. Relationship begins with the relationship you have with yourself.
If you find yourself consistently dealing with the wrong types of people, then you truly only have yourself to look at in the mirror. You attract what and who you are. If you are bad with your money, you will attract someone who is bad with their money as well because you do not have the financial wherewithal to think higher than your current economic station.
To do this, you would have to grieve over your finances, over how you manage money, over how you tolerate distractions when it comes to doling out your money, and over how you keep circling the same life argument when it comes to finances. You never have enough at the end of the month, or you have to ask someone for a portion of your shelter costs.
Your ability to pay shelter costs should be the greatest priority over the pursuit of a romantic relationship. If you are still living at your parent’s house, you do not need a girlfriend or a boyfriend. You need a life plan. You need better finances. You need to focus on making you a priority because the most important aspect of being an adult is understanding that you are 100% responsible for yourself. It does not matter if you lose your job, you are down financially and economically in life, and you are struggling to make ends meet.
You are still responsible for yourself. Pursuing a relationship is not the answer for the season you are in because if you do, the lesson that you still need to learn about finances, financial management, and life planning are at the end of that brick wall you will run into or drive to or fall into or whatever you can think of to make the point.
This article explores how we make romantic decisions that are hasty and how those decisions affect our finances. I have developed different YouTube audio lessons using the same outline of thinking below. The points developed are also explored under multiple series on the website, and you can find that information largely under the tabs “Rebounding,” “Financial Recovery Curriculum,” and “Financial Topics,” which represents snippet videos of the full financial curriculum. You can also click the “Readiness” tab for tips on how to prepare to enter a relationship.
Two snippet videos are both added after this article. You may also click the hyperlinks to access the videos at any time during this discussion. Here are the key points of how we are romantically hasty and how that decision affects our finances. Lessons on life recovery regarding this area follow.
Jumping into a relationship before you are ready is one of the many ways we enter romantic relationships hastily. We never have the much-needed conversations to determine if the relationship is appropriate to begin. Once you begin something, you must see it all the way to the end. The end could lead to marriage, long-term commitment, death do you part, and/or a breakup.
Regardless, jumping requires that you make a sudden movement, and anything that you do suddenly always reflects some struggle with foresight on your part. If you had the foresight and vision for relationship-making, you would not need to jump into anything.
This further suggests that when you apply finances to the concept of jumping into a relationship, you struggle to understand that dating, for example, is not feasible for you. It is not feasible for a certain season in your life that requires financial saving and building. You have to spend money to date, even if that money is not that expensive. Spending money when you should be saving money is counterproductive.
Regardless, if you are currently struggling with your finances, then why would you invest more of your finances into dating? In other words, you assume that dating is worth the investment when you do not even know if you can pay your rent for the next month. Reconciling and resolving financial issues should take a higher priority than entering the dating market that will require the use of consistent finances.
Jumping in too soon before you have taken the necessary time to reflect on whether you have the finances to pursue a dating goal should not be an option. We all need to do things in steps and in order. Secure yourself financially by getting a job. Secure yourself defensively by getting an apartment or a house. Secure yourself academically by entering and completing some form of education. Secure yourself spiritually by practicing faith in God and receiving His guidance. Secure yourself mentally and psychologically by lessening toxic distractions and exiting toxic relationships.
The keyword here is “secure,” which means fix or attach someone or something firmly so that it cannot be moved or lost. In other words, the more time you give to jumping in and jumping out of relationships, the more likely you will end up losing the very essence of you. Get situated before you make decisions that will lead to regret.
Having sex too early in a relationship will affect your understanding of the relationship. For example, you do not need to have sex with someone fast to determine compatibility because you must think about the long vision.
Compatibility is not an overrated topic, but determining connection is something we do not talk about. In fact, we are now just learning about the role of attachment and how it affects the length of time we stay in toxic relationships. You can have a secure attachment where you feel certain that you are in a relationship, or you can have an insecure attachment in the same relationship where you feel uncertain that you are in a relationship and whether it will continue.
Questions about compatibility and connection are ignored when we place sex as a priority in the relationship. Having sex too early exacerbates problems you are not even aware of until you engage the relationship and realize he or she never keeps a job, or he or she is struggling to get over the relationship with an ex, or he or she can be moody and depressing and temperamental, or he or she is just not a productive person all around. The sex blinds you to the problems that lay ahead.
Lying in a bed with someone and getting the immediate pleasures you think you deserve does not resolve the fact that the person failed to tell you he or she is married. It does not resolve the fact that the person just got evicted from his or her apartment. It does not resolve the fact that the person abruptly leaves the conversation before you can even address the problem. It does not address the fact that the person likes to use silent treatment to test and control the relationship. It is much easier to discover this information through conversation than through sleeping with the person the first opportunity you get.
Now that you have allowed this person into your life and also integrated the person into your finances, it is difficult to get the person out of your house and your finances suffer as a result of this decision. If you had sex too early, then followed that up with moving the person in too fast, then your finances are directly affected because all that person has to do is lose their job. Then you would be the only one footing the bill. That’s not fair, but it is also fair because you did not do your due diligence. Think about how jumping into a romantic relationship using sex affects your money before it affects your money.
Assuming that the encounter is a relationship is one of the worst things we can do in a relationship. Some romantic partners do not intend for the relationship to be anything but what it is, i.e., temporary. This is the problem that most women have. We put all our efforts into turning a simple encounter into a meaningful relationship, and it never works. If the person only intended for the encounter to be temporary, there is nothing you can do to change the person’s mind.
You can sex, cook, clean, wash, and do anything the person wants you to do, and you will never get the relationship you have built in your mind. You are living in a fantasy. Even if the person has promised some kind of relationship with him or her, and this may be reflective of going out on dates consistently, this does not mean that you are in a relationship. This may mean that you are really in a friends with benefits relationship or a rebound relationship.
When you assume that your encounter is a relationship, you do so with the intent to ignore the benefits of self-reflection, healing, preparation, and just much needed time to explore healthier options. You assume that you have all the time to heal your assumptions, not understanding that there is an expiration date for how long you can live by and rely on assumptions. Making assumptions too early in the relationship sets you up for disaster throughout the rest of the relationship.
Assuming is related, but different, to jumping too fast into a relationship. The difference is that assuming carries much greater weight because now you are in the relationship that you have created but without certainty. At least when you jump, you can look back and say, “I should have waited.” However, when you are in the relationship, both parties can play this game as if a relationship exists, but only one party consistently pushes and pulls on the relationship for whatever benefit it might bring.
Reliance on the assumption can last longer than jumping in because for all intents and purposes, you believe you are in a relationship that is functional, secure, working towards a long-term goal, and hopeful about the future. Getting over the assumption would take significant time.
When we assume, we also apply finances as if we are in relationship with someone. We pay rent, we pay utilities, we pay healthcare, we pay childcare, and/or we pay anything that reflects the development of a romantic relationship. If you knew early enough that your assumptions were indeed just assumptions, you would be less likely to put money into the relationship to keep it going.
It’s like a car that needs gas. Eventually, it runs out of gas and stops on the side of the road, expectedly, and you are forced to walk and get help. The same is true of reliance on assumptions. Eventually, you will run out of assumptions to maintain the relationship and be forced to stop and reflect and walk back your belief in your assumptions to face the truth that has been staring you in the face the whole time. Don’t put money on a relationship based on assumptions. Check your assumptions before you use money.
Dictating the rules of the relationship before there is consensus is the greatest red flag in any relationship. It is the combination of jumping in and assuming because you dictate based on the belief that the other person agrees with you, even if you have not checked to make sure that you both are in agreement.
Dictating without consensus is essentially two people walking together in disagreement. How strange is that? It is not as strange as many might think because people are capable of carrying on a relationship in their heads and hearts without actually carrying the status of being in a relationship.
In other words, people can make themselves believe anything despite the protestations of a romantic partner who is not interested in taking the relationship further. This means that you are always your own red flag.
When you get into a place of dictating the relationship without consensus, you are essentially controlling and manipulating every situation, thought, belief system, and financial strategy to keep the other person in the relationship. It is interesting that you would want to keep someone in a relationship who does not want to be in a relationship.
Dictating hides the fact that the other partner is really miserable. The other partner is not happy being in the relationship. Even if you are doing well in attempting to make the person happy, if there is no true consensus or agreement about being in relationship with each other, then the other person is unhappy. No amount of money will soothe their unhappiness.
Eventually, that person will just leave, or you may have to exit the person out of your life because you realize you no longer have the mental, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and financial resources to maintain the lie. If you dictated the relationship without consensus, this means your finances are in disarray and need immediate repair.
Giving too much too early as in putting money on a problem before you understand it is really a type of mothering in romantic relationships. Women are notorious for serving a motherly role in a romantic relationship. Most women have not been trained by their own mothers to be women, to be romantic partners in their relationships. They merely do what they saw their mothers did in their relationships and use that knowledge to validate what they do with their current partners.
But men do not need mothers in their wives and/or girlfriends. They already have mothers. If you find yourself acting like a mother towards your significant other as in consoling him when he is hurting over an issue like a mother would or taking over the role by becoming essentially masculine, then you can expect to see discord throughout the relationship and struggle with conflict resolution.
No person, regardless of gender, wants to feel like a personal project. This means that you are also projecting your beliefs onto the person as if to suggest that you believe the person is incapable of running his (or her) life as an adult. When you take over for a man, whether it is psychological, spiritual, or financial, you are suggesting to the man that he is not capable without you and that the only way he can navigate this life is if you do everything for him.
What happens in this case is the man just stops trying. He also stops investing in the relationship. He doesn’t feel like the man or masculine because your transition from feminine to masculine has usurped any ability for him to demonstrate his own prowess. There is no need to be a man if you are going to be the man in the relationship.
Thus, what happens with men in a situation where the woman is investing all her finances to maintain the relationship, he will keep his finances, find a woman who will let him be a man financially, and invest wholeheartedly in that relationship but to the detriment of the current relationship.
Giving too much does not always have to mean money. You could be the person who does everything for him without him ever lifting a finger. You could be the only person cooking in the relationship, washing his clothes, purchasing clothes for him because you have an image in mind of what he should look like, and paying his bills with your money, including assuming the responsibility of paying “his child support.” You assume that there is no real need for him to financially invest himself when you two are a couple and “here for each other.”
The counterargument is this: you can be there for each other but still let a man be a man. It is really not you letting him be anything. It is up to him as a man and as a 100% responsible adult to be a man and an adult. Even if you were not in a romantic relationship, taking over an individual’s life is a bit disrespectful and insulting. People should be able to make decisions for themselves and that includes determining whether they should stay or exit the relationship with you if you are going to be the only one doing all the work.
A person might stay to benefit but eventually your giving too much will bother him or her because every caged bird sings. No one likes to feel caged in a relationship. People need their freedom, and giving too much takes away their freedom, making them, in essence, beholden to you. Relationships like these, especially where finances are concerned, never last because people always need to feel financially free.
Acting more masculine because of an assumption that you must take over the relationship for some reason is one of the ways that women struggle to navigate a romantic relationship. Because of the ways in which they have been nurtured in childhood to young adulthood, and this is usually due to functioning almost as a second parent, they tend to take over the relationship. This is especially true of the eldest female sibling living with other siblings and the expectation that she shares in the parental responsibilities, even if parents do not verbally and directly tell the eldest child to contribute in this way.
It is the expectation from the mother, whether she is married or a single mother, to charge the eldest child, especially when that individual is female, to manage aspects of the household, which always include cooking, cleaning, and fulfilling a pseudo-parental role. It is the way in which she expects the eldest child to share in the metaphorical load. If the parent is a single father, he would expect the daughter, whether she is the eldest or not, to share in the load and become a pseudo-mother to her siblings. In other words, you are expected to act out what you think a mother is for your siblings.
Then you move this type of thinking and strategy into a romantic relationship, never making the connection to childhood and never reaching an understanding about the role of expectations. You were expected to help and be a pseudo-helpmeet and nothing else. It is all you know. This is why self-reflection is important because when you realize that many of the decisions you make as an adult have their root in the social nurturing of childhood, you might be less likely to put money on a situation and act like you are the solution to your partner’s financial problems.
It is nothing worse than acting out what you think a romantic role is and how you think a romantic partner should be in a relationship. We always go wrong when it comes to money because we automatically put money on a problem without considering that money may not be the answer to the problem. This means that we do not have a true understanding of the problem, which makes it easier to be blind to possible solutions.
In fact, we would rather not accept any solution so we can continue acting because acting brings about the benefit of control and manipulating the situation to our advantage. As long as our partner does not know we are acting, we can continue whatever plan we have for the relationship, thereby perpetuating and validating the decision to enter the relationship hastily.
Acting out a relationship will have consequences in the end because it is not sustainable long-term. Eventually, you and your partner will have to live in real life and not in fantasy. This means that you cannot base managing your finances on fantasy thinking. Financial management is a realistic, day-by-day endeavor.
Talking about past relationships and hoping the new relationship will solve past relationship problems is a major issue for people who are still struggling to heal from a past experience. You should never bring a past relationship into a new relationship. One relationship had its successes, failures, struggles, and successes again, and your relationship will have the same. You cannot base your relationship on the foundation of another.
This is why engaging a romantic partner who is still involved with another person is dangerous psychologically because you always think that you have a handle on the problem when, in fact, you lost grasp on the relationship the moment you began it with somebody’s man or somebody’s woman.
Therefore, the hope is futile. People fail to understand just how significant the saying how you start will be how you finish. If you start a relationship taking someone’s partner, you will suffer through both guilt and anxiety, always wondering if someone will come along and do the same to you.
But hope here is misplaced because you cannot hope in a current relationship while still hoping for a past relationship. The more you discuss a past relationship, the more likely you are still hoping for a better outcome with that relationship. It makes no sense then to engage another relationship even if you are presently trying to make it work. This is why people do not hold onto the mistress after the divorce from their partners.
For example, holding onto the mistress was simply a way to navigate the emotional pain felt for the core relationship, but the partner never intended for the core relationship to terminate. Why hope for a relationship with the mistress when there is a possibility of return to the core relationship, to the marriage. If people understand their hope and what it means for them within the context of a romantic relationship, they might think twice about entering another relationship. In other words, if they were truly conscious of their hope to get back with another partner, they would not disturb that hope by engaging another person.
Hope can distract. It is always better to see a relationship to the very end. Do not open doors before closing other doors because hope sneaks in and distracts you into believing that a previous relationship still has potential. When you are in a current relationship and undergoing the process of relationship-making that “looking back” is essentially exhibiting a doublemindedness that will lead you into an emotional, psychological, and financial ditch.
It is emotionally draining to use hope in navigating multiple relationships, but that hope is really not hope. It is hastiness. In the same way that you enter one relationship before the time, you also return hastily to a previous relationship believing that it will work too. Romantic hastiness is a stronghold that you must address before going on to greater battles because it can destroy you, and it can destroy your finances trying to invest into two households and into multiple people.
Saying “I love you” too early in the encounter is always the greatest mistake that everyone makes because we all want to be loved, and we all want to have someone to love. Your desires to love and be loved can ensnare you if you engage the wrong person and/or if you engage a relationship too soon. A declaration is simply defined as an announcement.
You can declare anything, but that does not mean it is true for another person. In other words, you can say you love someone, but your love for a person does not translate the same way as love from the partner. Some people take time to get to a place where they can love you, but to love you is to love themselves. If a person does not already have a love for himself or herself, especially where he or she prioritizes their life, purpose, and finances, then you can expect to be mishandled in the relationship.
You can expect for the person to mishandle your heart, your mind, your body, and your spirit. Add finances to the mix, and you have a disaster waiting to happen because what a person can do with your “I love you” is infinite. The person can take your declaration and use it in different ways other than loving you. In fact, the person can take your statement and not even apply it to their own lives. In other words, the person struggles to accept your love. Instead, he or she will accept the things and benefits you have to offer, and that would be enough to coast.
This means that you are not getting any satisfaction from using your love to love that person. Your love has no effect because it is not reciprocated, and when this happens, you find yourself doing all the investing to the detriment of your own happiness and soul. That, alone, is an endeavor not worth continuing because there is no benefit from your declaration.
Everyone should get a return on their investment, whether small or significant. When a person does not receive a return on their investment, especially in finances, he or she takes their money out of that investment and places it into another investment to get a better financial return.
The same strategy should apply to romantic relationships. This is not to suggest that you jump in and jump out of a relationship because you are not getting the investment you want. That is still a type of romantic hastiness. No, the better thing in that case would be to isolate and take time for self-reflection. Then consider reentering the dating market once you are ready. There is no hurry.
However, once you declare something, you have no other choice but to ride out that decision until the end or continuation of your relationship with a romantic partner. Declaring has both financial advantages and consequences because if a person is not reciprocating investment, then you can expect to pay the costs for the whole relationship. It is no different than paying for someone to be your companion or be in your life. That requires you paying for their shelter costs, food costs, clothing costs, healthcare costs, and any other costs that positions that person as a child and you as their caregiver.
That is essentially what the consequences look like when you declare without mutual consensus and financial support. You would be expected to be the mule in the relationship, and you must come to the conclusion that your hastiness put you in a position to be a caregiver to your adult partner. No man should move in with a woman if he is truly trying to get himself together and if he has friends and family resources. It is telling that a man would rather move in with a girlfriend than with a male friend who could better mentor and assist him in getting his life back together.
This suggests that the man is not serious about being a man and leading the home when the relationship converts to something substantial. If a man, or woman, does not feel the need to change, then he or she will not pursue change. As long as he knows that he can live in your house without paying rent and/or contributing in any other financial way, then there would be no need for him to pursue any purpose in his life let alone purpose that comes with romantic relationship-building.
Be careful of the declarations because whatever you start off doing at the beginning of the relationship, you will have to continue all the way to the end of that same relationship. Even when you try to jump out of that relationship into another, you may be forced to contribute financially to that previous relationship because you set no boundaries, expectations, and/or standards.
Life Recovery Objective
A major life recovery objective centers on the idea that romantic hastiness only proves to be disadvantageous in the end. If you have experienced any of the key points explored within this article, then your next romantic goal should be to enter a period of reflection and journaling.
If you engage another romantic relationship without some time for solitude and/or isolation (no contact if with an ex), you might find yourself mentally burned out with relationships and this could affect your mental health. No person should enter a period of emotional disrepair without recovery. If you do not get the necessary healing through reading, writing, visiting with a therapist, and praying, you will run yourself down.
Then this will affect whatever contribution you are trying to make, and it will definitely affect your finances. Do what our mothers used to tell us: get somewhere and sit down. Take the necessary time to heal before you consider another romantic relationship.
These are the ideas and thought processes concerning romantic hastiness and how it affects your finances. The main points and categories presented within this article are discussed in the following videos.
I have explored these points from different angles, including financial recovery, but only the two snippet videos are necessary as discussion openers in personal circles. The videos are also available on the website. Click the “Financial Topics” tab to access the videos.
Count the Costs
The most important strategy to adopt before engaging a romantic relationship is to consider the costs associated with relationship-building. This includes engaging by utilizing the dating market, and it also suggests that you need to have foresight in your ability to maintain and sustain a relationship long-term.
No one can survive off a diet of one-night stands. The same is true of people who are perpetual shackers, i.e., they would rather live together than to forge a long-lasting relationship. The decision to travel the alternative route may be rooted in the family dynamic and some childhood trauma, but the mind, soul, spirit, emotions, and heart cannot sustain two-year to three-year relationships and nothing ever substantial. View the following video to gain insight into the importance of counting the costs before you build.
As you discovered in watching the video, you never want someone to come onto your field, i.e., your relationship and/or marriage and notice the obvious mistakes you made in not planning for the long-term. We rarely have long-term in mind because engaging in short-term relationships is just more convenient.
But you will find at the end of the road that there are consequences to romantic hastiness, and the consequences require that you reflect on your decisions, mistakes, failures, and develop a plan for moving forward.
Reflections on Romantic Hastiness
Here is the snippet video on romantic hastiness and how it affects our finances. This is the snippet video of the full financial recovery curriculum, which is also available on the site.
Thank you for reading and listening.
Regina Y. Favors, Owner/Operator
The Regina Y. Favors Website
The vision of the site is to be the preferred online curriculum you need for life recovery.
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