There are some men who would be offended at this statement, “Let men build on their own” because they already understand the importance of a man standing on his own two feet. They already understand that they do not need a woman to guide their movements. However, there are still some men who would be offended at the very same statement because it requires men to recognize that they are adults and that women are no longer here to support them in all their efforts and lack of initiative.
This article explores the importance of why women need to step out of the way and let men build on their own as a solution to address the need of women to adopt a masculine mindset when “helping” their men. This article does not label women as masculine. Instead, this article serves as a prevention tool to usher women into a mindset that encourages them to recognize when a man is operating in his masculine and when he is not.
Ultimately, this article helps women to understand that if a man does not meet the standard, basic criteria for adulthood, he should not be considered for romantic relationship-making. First, consider the following two categories as suggestions for how to understand the rest of the article. Next, a discussion follows as well as a mini case study and life recovery objective.
First Man: The Go-Getter
The first man referenced is simply a go-getter. He seeks out education to prepare. He keeps a place of his own because he is an adult. He saves and/or invests his money, spending also responsibly. He handles most relationships with some conscientiousness about how to move, who to keep, and how to prepare for the next part of his life journey. He plans four moves ahead and consistently checks his status as he completes his goals.
When and if he ever gets knocked down, he has already planned for such setbacks, and he begins to initiate one or more strategies to help him overcome and continue moving forward. He is not the kind of man who will stay down long, especially if he has been down before. He has plans for his plans, and he understands how to use one plan to build on top of another.
Second Man: The Hustler
The second man is simply a hustler. His education is the school of hard knocks. He might keep a place, but it is rare. He usually lives at home with his mother or aunt, Nana, or Big Mama. Whatever money he “earns” is usually through hustles in the street.
He is not someone who would spend irresponsibly, per se, because he usually keeps money in his pockets, sometimes giving some of it to his mother, Big Mama, or any other mother-like figure, who might also be a girlfriend and/or common law wife.
He does spend money on higher budgeted items, such as cars, rims to go on the cars, paint job, leather seats, any other item that would have the car decked out and dressed to the nines! He is not as conscientious about relationship-making because all women are disposable, and he maintains a consistent dating rotation.
However, he will have a “real one” at home, a ride or die, the main chick, the core chick, and/or his woman. He is not conscientiousness about his future, opting to live for the day, never thinking he would die the next moment, and never envisioning a life journey as possible. He has no long-term goals, but he is good at maintaining immediate, short-term goals.
When this man gets knocked down, he does not have the tools and/or life skills to study the root cause(s) of his setback. Instead, he will use any excuse available to reason himself out of going down the right path. He would rather continue to work the plans he has been implementing than to consider something new.
The plans he has been facilitating . . . work, and to consider anything that might get in the way of his “progress” would prevent him from the moves he needs to make, even if such moves might fall under the criminal category and/or usher him into a perpetual setback.
Both men would be offended at the statement “Let men build on their own” but for different reasons. For example, the first man would take issue with a woman who adopts a masculine role in the relationship because the first man is considered an alpha personality, a “do-it-yourself” individual.
The second man would be offended at the statement because even though he would feel like his woman is treating him like a child, he would refrain from speaking up simply to enjoy the conveniences of a woman adopting a masculine role in the relationship. This does not necessarily mean that the second man believes he is feminine, but he would, by default, be operating in his feminine by sitting back and letting the woman take the lead.
The first man would never just simply let the woman take the lead. He has too much ego, bravado, and pride to let a woman lead him when he knows he is a born and nurtured leader, even if self-nurtured. The second man does not possess the same ego, bravado, and pride. It makes no sense to the second man to operate in his masculine if his woman has the capacity and capability to make life happen for him. Convenience plays a major factor in the second man’s decision-making.
All adults must understand the basics of obtaining and keeping a job, securing a place to live that is not someone’s direct house, and maintaining adult living with little to no financial help. These are the basics. Keep a job, keep a place, and pay for that place on your own, consistently.
When you live with someone, and you are not a tenant of record by signing an official, notarized lease, then you are considered homeless. Just because you do not live in a homeless shelter or reside on the street does not mean you are any less homeless. At any time, the person you are living with, whether that person is your man or your woman, can kick you out. That person can evict you whether it is legal or not. The person’s name is on the lease or the mortgage deed. Therefore, your only alternative would be to leave.
When you find a man who is of an adult age to have a job, have his own place, and financially maintain himself as an adult, and he doesn’t, then this means that he is not ready to engage romantically with any woman. He has not done the first thing necessary, which is to secure himself as an adult. Any woman who moves in a man is immediately making that person homeless. Any decision he makes from the vantage point of homelessness will be one of survival.
Therefore, his mind will only think about surviving the situation of living with you versus working towards maintaining himself as an adult. It does not matter what you do for him. He will never view you as a fully equal romantic partner while he is living at “your house.” There may be an exception to the rule if you both are getting married, and you believe that because you have the house, it would be better to move in with you.
However, this exception to the rule would only be valid and logical if he has a record of keeping a job, keeping a place, and maintaining himself as an adult, i.e., not living at his mother’s house and then moving into your house. If he is still at someone’s house, and he is not a tenant of record, then this means that he does not possess the knowledge and skillset to take care of himself as an adult individual.
You will discover this gap in his knowledge base when bills come due, when adult decisions need to be made as a couple, and when children are added to the family dynamic. You will know if he has it together when he is forced to have it together. Therefore, if he is showing you now that he cannot provide for himself as an adult, then this is not a person that you can build your life with romantically, let alone financially. He would need to go and get himself together before you make lifelong decisions. Otherwise, you are just taking care of a kid in his thinking. These are the basics.
Job, Business & Vision
I place these three categories together because I think they have some relation to each other. A man who does not want to work does not want to provide, even if provision is for himself. There is no getting around that statement. Hustling and criminal activity are not examples of working.
Work is working on a job. A man may place starting a business under the category of working, especially if he has a criminal record and it is hard for him to find and/or sustain a job. There are exceptions to the rule. But to do nothing or seek nothing or make excuses because he has nothing are examples of men, people in general, who have no vision for who they are, where they want to go, and how they plan to get there.
Vision is important. Even if you do not like your current job, and you think it is the worst thing you have ever encountered, it is still a job. It is still considered cash flow where y0u had nothing previously. It helps you build a record of work and successes as you continue to complete your goals. Work helps to build character, create financial stability, regulate your emotions, and help you advance and move forward. A person lying on your couch and in your bed is not a solution to your adulthood, nor is it a solution to their adulthood.
Therefore, vision begins with work, and it is followed up with planning. When you find someone unwilling to plan their way out of their current situation, that is telling for you because if you ever got down yourself, especially financially, then you could not lean on the very person you are housing and providing for financially.
The worst thing you can do is find this out when you are down. The case study that follows is an example of a situation that a woman, who we must assume did not know her man felt like this, would be expected to pick herself up without the man she is helping. Review the case study for insight.
Mini Case Study
This case study is about a viral post of a man who tweets that when he gets himself together, he plans to leave the current girlfriend he is living with. He does not plan to marry her despite suggesting that his girlfriend expects him to seal the deal.
Instead, he labels the girlfriend’s expectation as “entitlement” and suggests that she is not entitled to expect him to stay once he gets himself together financially. His post reads that once he gets a decent job, he is going to leave her and begin dating his romantic types. Read the post before going forward with the rest of the article.
The man’s decision to exit his current relationship that he has with his girlfriend after he gets a better job is symbolic of using her as a come up woman. I wrote the article that explores the come up woman as a topic of concern for women. Visit this link for more information if you are interested in reading the article.
My stepfather always told me to listen to what the man is not saying to get a real clue about how he thinks as a person, what he thinks about his woman, and where he is going in his life. It is clear from reading the man’s post that he does not have the job he wants but that he realizes he has to work towards getting the “decent job” for his knowledge base and educational background.
Just in taking the post at face value and without conducting any extended research, the man thinks that the job he currently has (or he may not have a job) is sufficient for the relationship he is in. In other words, he is suggesting through this post that the woman he is with does not expect more from him than what he has at the moment, good or bad. He is also equating where he is financially with the type of woman he believes she represents. In other words, she is not his romantic preference, and when he gets a decent job, he will seek out someone who reflects his new financial capacity.
He has the mindset to seek better than where he is, but this goal includes also seeking better than the woman he is with. We don’t know what kind of woman he is with, but if he doesn’t have the decent job, then that means somebody in the relationship is carrying them both financially. He is also suggesting that just because his girlfriend may be doing financially better than him, he is not going to reciprocate the investment. She is investing in him, but he is not investing in her. He might even use violence to make his point.
The irony with this situation is that the man feels entitled to whatever resources the girlfriend is providing, but he believes she should not feel entitled to whatever future resources he will obtain after getting the decent job. No, the man does not write directly that he lives with his girlfriend or who he lives with for that matter, but if he is making the case for getting a decent job and leaving the woman he is with, this suggests that he does not have the financial resources to make it on his own. In fact, he uses the word “Broke” to refer to himself, albeit implicitly. If he was not broke, or in other words financially independent, then he would not reference the word in the post.
Therefore, the woman who believes that the man she is helping will one day reciprocate will die believing that lie and never fully walk into the manifestation of that expectation. She will continue to pour resources into an empty well. She will invest time, heart, body, money, and spiritual thinking into a man who has no clue about building together or advancing the family unit forward economically and financially. As soon as he gets his decent job, he will drop the woman for some woman who did nothing for him. This is not bitterness talking. This is what the man outlines in his post!
What Women Should Do
What women should do going forward is let men build on their own. This means that if a man does not have a job, his own place to live, and the financial resources overall to fund his lifestyle, then it is not up to women to fill in the gap. Women are not required to invest in men. Men have the right to pursue their own purpose, their livelihood, and their goals without the input and intervention of women.
It may be difficult for a woman not to add her views on a matter especially if the woman is living together with the man, but that is actually the first problem. The man lives with the woman. This dynamic never works because a man will always resent living with a woman, and he will act out his resentment by cheating, engaging in self-destructive behaviors, and hindering himself from moving forward in his education, career, and finances.
Men who know who they are and what they desire to accomplish in life will outline specific plans, set definable and achievable goals, and begin activating in their purpose. You will never see a man without a plan when he knows what he wants to do and where he wants to go. He does not need a woman dictating to him how he should plan, where he should go, what he should do, and how long he should commit.
When a man knows who he is, he will begin operating in who he envisions himself to be. This man does not always need access to a father in the home. There is just something on the inside of him that knows that he must operate as an adult to get what he wants in life. Operating as an adult does not entail engaging in illegal activity. It requires that he walks out his path in the right way because he sees longevity in his future. To do anything but the right thing is to prevent himself from achieving his goals. A man of purpose must reflect purpose, and he must believe that he is needed in some personal area or professional domain in his life so that he is able to implement and sustain that purpose.
Women should get out of the way by not volunteering their money, time, heart, body, and spiritual thinking to men who have no purpose and/or to men who have no intention to stay around for commitment. The man in the mini case study is not a man who will stick around. He writes as much in the post. He has a mindset to seek a better job, but he does not have a mindset to build a relationship with someone who has invested in him. He does not have a mindset of reciprocation. Therefore, engaging in a romantic relationship with him is a waste of time, and this would create the greatest setback in a woman’s life.
Life Recovery Objective
The best life recovery objective when a woman has invested too much of her money, body, and time into a relationship with a non-reciprocating man is to guard against moving in a man. I wrote another article on this topic titled “Romantic Hastiness: Never Move in a Man.” Visit the link for more information.
In that article, I simply discuss how important it is for women not to move in men before they have gathered all the necessary information. Moving in a man affects a woman’s mental health, and this creates an issue with territory in the home. A man should have his own place. Then it becomes easier to make sober decisions where the relationship is concerned.
The best way to gather the necessary information is to do what we urge people who want to enter a career field: conduct an information interview. This means that you do not have time to be in bed with each other because it is the conversation you need to have to figure out who you are dealing with and what purpose they have in their life.
The more you discuss each other by engaging in conversation, the more you discover gaps in the other person’s thinking. Then this will tell you if you need to activate your deal-breakers. This will also tell you when you should refrain from building a man to let men build on their own.
Thank you for reading.
Regina Y. Favors
The vision of the site is to be the preferred online curriculum you need for life recovery.
Romantic Hastiness: Reconciling the Come Up Woman
Romantic Hastiness: Never Move in a Man as a Woman
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