Romantic Hastiness: When Women Marry Their Mothers

Source: Jodiegale.com

The topic When women marry their mothers is largely about dealing with rejection from a romantic partner. It is a difficult concept to understand because we typically identify a woman’s problem with her male romantic partner as one that suggests she married her father and that is why she is currently struggling with someone. Her father might have been abusive, and it is likely why she married a man who “looks like” her father.

In many cases, this can be true. Women can marry their fathers because of how they were raised and this can be based on how much exposure they had to their father’s patterns and behavior. If the father was abusive in the home, the woman might feel inclined to repeat the same pattern as her mother in marrying a man who is also abusive. The same can be suggested with an alcoholic father or any other issue that plagues the fatherly role in the home.

However, many people rarely or never consider that you can also marry your mother. This is especially true if your mother scapegoated you or designed ways to reject you within the family dynamic. You could have been the black sheep of the family. You could have been the one upon whom everyone projected all their problems, and your mother could have served as the facilitator for that family rejection.

For example, I lived in a home with a mother who pit me against my siblings, my siblings against me, one sibling against another, and everybody largely against her, as in adopting a victim mentality. My mother was emotionally and psychology insecure and immature, and even though she raised three kids as a single parent, she was still a kid herself. I believe she and people like her are stuck somewhere in their toddlerhood still wishing for their daddy or their mommy to pick them up when they cry.

It’s called insecure attachment, which is based on the caregiver-infant dynamic and how the parent responds or does not respond to the cries of the child. If the parent appropriately responds to the cries of the child, then there is likely a secure attachment, i.e., an emotionally stable and positive relationship between caregiver and infant. On the other hand, when the primary caregiver or parent responds on his or her own timetable to the cries of the child, i.e., just let the child cry without picking it up, then the child is likely to feel emotionally insecure, leading to an insecure attachment.

I do not want to get too deeply into attachment (secure vs. insecure) because I want to focus largely on how women marry their mothers. You can follow this link for more information. I usually address this concept in other articles and video lectures. You can follow my YouTube Channel to listen to audio lectures on this topic as well. For now, this article is briefly about how women marry their mothers, and it is an attempt to make a connection to partner rejection.

Assumptions

How women marry their mothers is based on the assumption(s) that you follow what you know. You do what you know. You understand what you know. You believe what you know. Since the first experiences with learning is typically passed from the parent to child, the assumption may have some validity.

Mothers teach their daughters how to clean the house, wash the dishes, take care of their siblings, and do basically everything that the mother would do except go out and work a job. This only happens when the daughter reaches a certain age and she can work. Before this happens, the daughter serves as a pseudo-parent, and this dynamic falls under parentification. Follow that link for more information.

Parentification is simply role reversal where the child takes on adult responsibilities because of an absentee parent or a working parent. Regardless, the child becomes parent-like and is expected to conduct himself or herself as a parent. Many latchkey kids fall under this category. The eldest child gathers the siblings, comes into the house, closes and locks the door, tells the siblings what to do, fixes everyone a sandwich and depending on age might cook from a box, and then all siblings wait until the true parent comes home and walks through the door. In many cases, this type of responsibility might be good for a child to learn about how to manage his or her siblings and manage household chores, but the child also does not get a chance to be a child. The child grows up too fast.

This happens with daughters within the family unit, even if they are not the eldest sibling. In past years, daughters were prepared for marriage more than they were prepared to attend college or go out in the workforce. The option of the workforce was simply for those daughters who could not get married, i.e., there was no one to marry them.

Today, it is different. Many women work and it is expected that they would work. They can choose or not choose marriage. They can live their lives as independently as they want or desire. Even though this is true, it is strange how some women still marry their mothers. They marry men who have the same disposition, belief system, thinking, and attitudes as their mothers. How does this look? Here are some examples of how women marry their mothers in the men they choose to engage romantically.

Emotional Burden

For one, a woman can marry her mother when she marries a man who lays all the burden on her and takes none of the responsibility for himself as an adult. She marries the same person who laid all the burdens of being a pseudo-parent onto her when she was a child. She assumes the role of “mother” in the same way that she was expected to mother her siblings.

For example, a woman who moves a man into her home who has no job is likely the same strategy she saw her mother adopt with her father, stepfather, or any other man. The mother took on the responsibility of being the provider to “her man,” and she did not ask for much in return other than for him to be a body in the bedroom and a man/father figure around the house.

Fast forward years later and the daughter is doing exactly the same thing, believing her situation is different from her mother’s past experiences but realizing, through criticism, that she chose the same kind of man as her mother. The mother is not lazy. The man is lazy. The daughter is not lazy. The man she chooses is lazy. Both women are the same in how they choose and reconcile their romantic strategies. Both women are the providers they need to be for the men they have chosen.

Financial Mismanagement

Another example involves financial management. A woman can marry her mother when she marries someone who is equally bad with their money. The mother passes down financial mismanagement strategies as in not paying credit card bills on time, writing bad checks and hoping the work pay will be deposited before the check bounces, and possibly stealing.

The daughter marries someone just like her mother when she struggles with the man who would rather steal, rob, and/or burglar than get and sustain a job. He never keeps the money he steals, which makes it necessary to steal again to get money. It is the same cycle the daughter sees with the mother.

Let’s put this in context. The mother is not good with money. She keeps a job and manages to keep her and all the children in a home, but she struggles every month to manage her money. She might pull at someone to borrow money. She might pawn some items. She might even have to sell some things to make the rent at the end of the month. In rare cases, she might move in with a family member who will take her.

But she never quite learns from her mistakes with financial mismanagement. She just pulls, pushes, threatens, and expects someone to pick up the financial slack. In this scenario, she never expects the man she lays with to assess the current financial situation and offer help. Instead, the mother only expects him to do nothing so she can complain about him doing nothing.

The same is true of the daughter. She chooses a man like her mother who does not contribute, is expected not to contribute, and makes no effort to plan to contribute. She chooses in her mother a man who rejects the opportunity to step up as a man and be the man in the situation. She chooses a man who rejects her as a partner worthy of financial provision at the most basic level: food, clothing, shelter. She chooses a man who lacks provider thinking and who is not even willing to provide financially for himself let alone for anyone else.

Thus, you might find women who are financially strapped choose other methods to solve their immediate financial problems and do so without the help of the man living in their house. For example, these are women who will get two more jobs to sustain the financial life at home. These are women who might start a business to bring in money. These are women who might pursue working at a club as a stripper. These are also women who might even prostitute. Regardless, these are women who will “get it done” despite the lack of help and/or the expectation of help.

The daughter becomes the mother with the same type of man who refuses to do anything and/or she does not expect the man to do anything or just be a man. He is the same type of man who does not think the woman (daughter) is worthy of provision. In other words, the daughter is more likely to repeat the patterns of her mother by seeking additional work, exploring different opportunities, and projecting a “get it done” mentality than sitting down with her current romantic partner and addressing the financial elephant in the room. “You are not working. I need you to find a job, so we can pay these bills together. If you do not want to work, then you can no longer live here with me.” The daughter, like the mother, will not issue this demand to their respective partners. It does not seem reasonable, and it is also counterproductive.

Rejection

Women who marry their mothers are women who ultimately struggle with rejection from their mothers. The daughter marries the mother in operating the same way she does, the belief system she perpetuates, and the strategies she adopts. If the mother rejects something, so does the daughter when she becomes older. For example, the mother might reject the notion that education is necessary and decide that working a job for 25 years is more productive.

The mother can validate those claims because of the financial stability that comes with working that long on a job and getting a pension at the end of her service. The daughter would then co-sign with the mother, choose a “good job” that gave her 25 years of work, and then retire with a pension at the end of her service. They both believe the same thing, operate the same way, and see life as how they believe it is to be. They are not willing to entertain a different strategy. They reject the unknown.

The unknown when considering previous examples explored within this article is a man who works! They reject a man who provides and has a provider mentality. Instead of accepting the belief that there are men who provide for their families, they reject that idea for the one that requires them to do all the work. They may use such statements as “You can’t depend on a man” or “Sometimes you just got to do it yourself” or “I’ve always been independent, and I’m going to stay independent.” These statements are self-defeating and contribute to the distorted view the mother has and that she later passes down to the daughter through table talks, phone conversations, yelling throughout the house, and the two or three jobs she works to validate her claims.

The mother’s distorted view about relationship-making and how it is important for both parties to a romantic relationship to participate and contribute equally is rejected and abandoned for the belief system that she is in this world alone and that she cannot depend on anyone. The daughter accepts the same worldview, expresses her consensus, and the two of them, i.e., mother and daughter, walk in agreement. Mother and daughter are the ones who are married and not each to their respective partners.

When a woman marries her mother is simply based on the idea of rejecting commonsense about how to approach and resolve a problem and accepting the fact that the problem cannot be solved and therefore life should continue with a distorted view. There is no need to remove the scales off one’s eyes if one does not care to see the situation correctly, appropriately, and productively.

Thank you for reading.

Regina Y. Favors, Owner/Operator

The Regina Y. Favors Website

The vision of the site is to be the preferred online curriculum you need for life recovery.

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Author: Regina Y. Favors

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